In his speech to next year’s Lib Dem conference, Nick Clegg pointed proudly to the “very real influence” that his party had had on Coalition policies.
“In 2012 we said that pensions could be used to help first-time buyers get on the housing ladder” said the man who for some reason is still leader of the party. “And already our Coalition partners, the Govern-, er the Conservatives, have agreed to a ban on “spending the kids’ inheritance” car stickers.”
“We said that there would be thousands of pounds to help underperforming schoolchildren” he went on, “and we have already funded and recruited the contestants for the first series of “Britain’s Got Dunces”, a sensitive exploration of young people’s experience in school co-produced by Channel 4 and Sky News.”
Asked by reporters what happened to pledges about wealth tax, Mr Clegg reminded them that tax policy was in review following Vincent Cable’s unexpected decision to retire to spend more time on holiday in an area of the Antarctic beyond the reach of any modern communications technology.
“Yes, some of our policies have changed – evolved, I would say” said Mr Clegg, “or perhaps evilved”. “But one thing has remained constant, and with practice is getting easier: I am very sorry for it all.”