Nick Clegg has delivered a rousing speech to the despondent Liberal democrats on the last day of their conference during which he promised that if they stick with him they would all soon be enjoying the sort of wealth that he was born into.
He quantified this by outlining his plans to stimulate the retail sector by purchasing thousands of faulty IPhones from a bloke he knows down the squash club and getting his mate dirty Tony to fix them up dead cheap, lovely jubbly.
Arriving in a 3 wheeled car with ‘Little plonker’ Danny Alexander and ‘Grandad’ Vince Cable, dressed in a sheepskin jacket he carefully placed a sign saying ‘Car Tax currently going through expenses’ on the dashboard before rushing into the Brighton centre twenty minutes late.
A spokesman later confirmed that there was some confusion over the venue as it was originally scheduled to be in the back room of The Nags Head but as they couldn’t fill it out it was then moved to somewhere smaller.
Mr Clegg started his speech with an apology telling the assembled crowd how the 3 of them had mistakenly gone to the House of Commons to install a new chandelier which had then hilariously fallen down and broken their pledge on tuition fees.
He then tried to allay fears about the 5 year dodgy deal he had gotten into with his friend ‘Posh Dave’ who sells 2nd hand policies by assuring the delegates it was all ‘cushtie’ and ‘above board’ .
He vehemently denied that Dave had stitched him up over a job renovating the House of Lords and said that the reduced project he had been given to add another cubicle to the men’s toilets would undoubtedly create more jobs.
In his closing remarks he thanked the party for their continued support before excusing himself as he was expecting a big shipment of GCSE certificates dated 2017.