There were no large explosions at the Liberal Democrats party conference today failing to engulf the building in smoke, flames or flying debris. The non-explosions, which didn't take place at all today, have been followed by the sporadic sound of nothing interesting happening whatsoever. Immediately after the non-event a terrorist group stepped forward to claim responsibility for not detonating pounds of high explosives in the packed conference centre.
Disturbing footage has shown the building completely intact and still standing with people in yellow ties and bewildered looks on their faces entering and exiting the building unimpeded.
A number of harrowing first hand reports have been received in the hours since the conference was not bombed and the true extent of the damage is only just being made clear. Nick Clegg, the 45 year old leader of the party is in perfect health, has sadly needed no emergency treatment and has been spotted wandering around the centre making vague statements about the future of the party.
A source within the police force has confirmed that there was a credible threat to the conference earlier today, but the group decided to abort the attempt at the last minute.
Chief inspector David Chinley, the head of the anti-anti-terrorism task force has revealed plans to make sure non-events of this severity never take place again. In a statement to the BBC he said “We are looking at decreasing security for events like this in the future. We aim to stop searching people on their way in to buildings and look the other way when we see anyone acting suspiciously. Unchecked and unattended vehicles will be allowed to park right outside in the street. We will also follow up on any intelligence we receive about potential threats by putting it to the bottom of a big pile, right underneath the expenses requests for the Christmas party.”
It is unclear exactly how much damage has been done to the leadership of Britain by senselessly not bombing today’s conference. It is only once the dust has settled from today's tragic lack of tragedy that the search for answers can really begin.
