Michael Gove yesterday announced plans to reintroduce the true meaning of Christmas back into the school curriculum. He would do this with the help of Christmas authorities such as Argos, Amazon and Boots. In a brief statement he said, "Our children have lost sight of the true meaning of Christmas. Yes, it's about goodwill to all men and celebrating the birth of Jesus but its also about importing tonnes of cheap plastic shite so that our children can have hours, sometimes 3 hours, of use from them before putting them on eBay". A spokesperson from the Association of Head Teachers has given a lukewarm reaction to the scheme, "First Free Schools, the sale of playing fields and now this. What can you say… the man is a prick".
It's not yet clear how the new scheme would work although it's rumoured that in early September leather bound books adorned with a gold cross will be given to each primary school child in the UK. Inside would be an Argos style toy catalogue. Bob Cross from the Christian Studies Institution of Christianity had this to say, "It's important to teach children the relationship between Religion and guilt. Hopefully the children can pass this on to their parents when they unable to fulfil the children's demands".
Some Christian groups have been outraged at the scheme. However, Kriston Bike, a leading Christian scholar and a the Head of Sales at Argos said "Our slogan for the campaign is 'It's what Jesus would have wanted'. If you think about it Jesus was one of the original entrepreneurs, making wine out of water… the loaves and fish an so on. Although ultimately he was crucified for his efforts, he used limited resources and labour and was able to feed the mass market."
He went on to say, "We've got some exciting products lined up for the catalogue. One is a race 'n' chase Scalextric set where you can choose to either be The Prince of Darkness or The Archangel Gabriel. Another is our Buckaroo Little Donkey in which you have to overload a small donkey without it bucking, climaxing with the Virgin Mary."
Careful not to affront other religions, Gove states he had been in discussion with McDonalds to provide religious icon figurines with school 'happy holiday' meals*
The Department for Education also informs us talks are ongoing with the Easter Bunny's representatives in order to educate children to the true meaning of Easter.
* Prophet Muhammad not included