Shocking new research into the species cuntus maximus lexis, otherwise known as the common or office solicitor, has thrown up some surprising results.
Previously thought of as a species in their own right, owing to their bizarre and incomprehensible squawking, their strange appearances and their unique levels of emotionless arrogance, it now appears that solicitors may actually be distant relatives of the human race.
James Tyler, Professor of Anthropology at Cambridge, was the leader of the team which carried out the research. "The results are startling," he said. "The initial theory on solicitors was that they were members of the slug family. However, in more recent times, it became widely accepted that they were some kind of rodent, in line with their general mannerisms and impulse to hoard things, particularly money."
However, Professor Tyler's research, which included showing solicitors' ability to sometimes recognise close family members and to occasionally manage to speak some words of recognisable English, has now cast doubt on this theory.
"We now think that there is a chance that these creatures may be at least partially related to us," said Professor Tyler. "Given our results, it appears that solicitors probably stem from an off-shoot of early homo erectus which learned to use paper, rather than stone, as a weapon to catch food. They most likely smothered their prey under vast piles of the stuff while simultaneously boring them to death with long, incomprehensible speeches."
The Law Society has released a statement commenting on these new findings but it appears to have been written by a solicitor so no-one has a clue what it says.