At a press conference this morning, Jesus Christ denied that he had played God when performing some of his best known miracles.
Jesus said that the feeding of the five thousand, walking on water, the raising of Lazarus from the dead and the healing of lepers all had perfectly reasonable explanations and that in no way was He going against the natural order of the universe.
Jesus said what He really wanted to be remembered for was His writing, and that He resented the undue attention paid to His miracles. He said He was particularly pleased with the script to the Sermon on the Mount, and with the way He set up apparent contradictions in His teachings. ‘Did you notice that at one point I said whoever is not for me is against me, but another time I said whoever is not against me is for me?’ said Jesus. That’s kept people guessing for centuries.’
But He said the parables were His favourites. ‘Who can forget the good Samaritan? And the parable of the talents: how cool was that to be around on Earth in a place where they had a coin called the talent? My all time favourite was the camel through the eye of the needle one: preachers still try and explain it logically, but it was just a bit of dramatic hyperbole. Shakespeare couldn’t write shit compared to me.’
So what about the miracles then, if He was not playing God? ‘That’s easy,’ He said. ‘I told you they all had natural explanations. I’m not playing God, I am God. When you’ve created the universe and all the planets, beasts and so on and so forth therein, feeding a multitude from next to nothing is a piece of cake, as it were. Did I say I was God? Actually that’s not true; I’m the Son of Man. Make of that what you will.’