Faced with an ultimatum from Bishops to pay religious tax or be refused church services, thousands of German Catholics are said to be “disappointed”, “shocked” and “going back to their accountants” following the rebuff of their enquiries into setting up an overseas branch of the staunchly protestant Free Church of Scotland.
“It seemed a clear choice” said Wolfgang Schmidt, a lifelong Catholic from Bremen. “On the first hand, we can’t receive communion in the German Catholic church unless we pay an 8% religious tax. And then on the also hand, here in Scotland is a church whose very name proclaims zero payments. But we were unaware that they were, how you say, fucking prods.”
A delegation of Germans travelled to Edinburgh to put their plans for a strictly no-fee-necessary overseas branch to Free Church elders. “Things went downhill from the moment we crossed ourselves on entering their head offices and the receptionist fainted” recalled Mr Schmidt. “Then we explained our plans, and when we got to the point about getting permission from the Pope they started shouting stuff about ‘get thee behind me Beelzebub’ and suddenly we were in the street again. I think this was not good?”
A spokesman for the Free Church said “The only thing our Church is free from is the pernicious influence of those rollicking heathens in the Church of Scotland. Nothing else is free, and woe betide he who does not put at least 10% in the collection box. We are not and never will be a refuge for free-loading Papists. Besides, they were Krauts – we’d never get a sunbed again on the annual mission week in Fuerteventura.”
“Some of us are now looking into Scientology” said Mr Schmidt. “They promise to increase your wealth, which is what we need right now, so what could go wrong?”
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