Reports are coming in from Downing Street police that the strain of the last few weeks appears to be taking its toll on the Prime Minister.
Sargeant Colin Edwards, on duty at the security gates two nights ago, takes up the story
"In the middle of my stag I was woken by a tapping noise on the gate - and there he was, a very tired and emotional Mr Cameron in dressing gown and slippers. He was a bit breathless and seemed in a lot of distress. He kept gabbling on and on about re-shuffling the pack, but always coming up wankers. "And I have to back 'em up - however twattish they've been. It's bollocks really"
Then he looks me in the eye and says "You could have shot him, you know - it would have saved so much bother, him and his ruddy bike. A little blue on blue action, most regrettable, mwaaa aaah". He took a swig from his bottle, reached out to pat my gun, missed, and sighed "There's several other little shits who wouldn't be missed either".
He then collapsed in a morose heap and started snivelling - "Nobody unnerstan's me except my little Cleggy-weggy, he sings to me every night - will you sing a song with me ? "I'm sorry, so sorry...."
At that point he was found by Downing Street staff, there was a small scuffle and he was led back inside. Even then, I could still hear him shouting something about homeopathic hunts"
Although asked to play down the incident, Sgt Edwards felt it was his public duty to let the country know - "well that and the chance to make a few quid" he grinned evilly "It's all gone a bit quiet since the News of the World folded"