Chef Jamie Oliver has single-handedly banished our kitchen fears and re-educated our palates. Now his newest publication will include spooning cold baked beans straight from the tin into our mouths, and eating cheese slices direct from the supermarket carrier bag before you even get home. One of the fifty recipes featured in Jamie’s 1-Minute Meals suggests randomly choosing a shelf in the fridge and then scooping its entire contents onto a large chopping board before taking it to the table.
“He’s a genius,” said busy middle-class mother Janine Watson. “We emptied our third shelf last Friday and tucked into a sumptuous feast of mustard, uncooked bacon, a bottle of Tizer, half a jar of marmalade, my son’s packed lunch and some antibiotics that had to be kept cool. It now takes me longer to evacuate my bowels than it does for me to put a Jamie on the table.”
Another recipe suggests a new take on mashed potato. ‘Grab a couple of nice big baking spuds,’ says the recipe. ‘Wack ‘em on the table and then lay into them with a mallet until they look like mash. Pukka, bruv.’
Perhaps the most ambitious of the recipes is the 1-minute duck á l’orange, consisting of one live duck and one tin of orange paint. ‘You can jazz it up with a drizzle of olive oil if you want,’ says the recipe.
“Me and my busy girlfriend have rediscovered the joy of frozen bread,” said busy estate agent Kevin Fiesta. “I came home the other night and she’d prepared a treat. She had fifteen raw Brussels sprouts in her mouth. ‘It’s Jamie’s 1-minute mouthful of sprouts’, she’d written on a pad. She then lifted up her skirt and revealed a 1-minute knickerbocker glory. I’ve now sold our large cooker to a family of four as a bijou ‘two up-two down’ apartment close to the city centre.”
“Jamie is consistently reducing the time we need to spend in the kitchen, but without sacrificing our love of good food,” said busy publishers Michael Joseph. “We’ve had 30-minute meals, the 20-minute meals app, the recent 15-minute meals book, but this one is certain to grab the busy public’s attention and sell like hot cakes… well, not hot cakes, that’s a ridiculous and outmoded concept. Let’s say they’ll sell like a water, milk, butter and sugar mixture.”
Oliver’s busy publishers are also remaining tight-lipped about rumours that his next book, Jamie’s 0-Minute Meals, will comprise an intravenous drip that delivers a high-calorific beige milk shake direct to the stomach via the headphone socket on the iPhone.