Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was somewhat taken aback today, when he discovered that he'd been posting on an internet website whilst he was still asleep.
"I got up to watch the Liverpool v United match," Martin Shuttlecock explained. "And I had a few minutes to spare, so I logged on to my favourite comedy website. When I saw that there was nothing much going on there, I logged on to News Biscuit. And I saw that somebody had posted on there under my proper identity. It wasn't me. Unless I was sleep typing. It quite demeaned the euphoria I was feeling that I hadn't wet the bed. And then it seemed that everybody, other than me, was me, and that I was talking to myself in triplicate. It was just weird."
Further investigations revealed that the website in question has been plagued recently by Shuttlecock in various guises. Something Shutttlecock fiercely contests.
"It's just me! I'm not Skoob1999! Well...I am, but not that Skoob1999. The one on News Biccy. That isn't me. I'm just me!"
"He would say that," groaned furious NB stalwart, Geranium, or Gerontius, or whatever his handle is. "The Shuttlecock bloke is an utter twat. He isn't remotely amusing, and he doesn't fit the site style. It's all well and good people going all punk and refusing to conform to the site style, but where does that leave the rest of us witless bastards? I'll hound the fucker out of town if it's the last thing I do. I'm fuming me."
Imaginatively named Japanese comic book character Golgo, stated that he couldn't be arsed with all of this bollocks.
Speaking as the voice of reason amidst a turbulent sea of insanity, extremely nice chappy, Smithy, said:
"I think Shuttlecock should adapt to the site style, and develop his style to fit in with the medium. And to stop using multiple identities because it's confusing us all. And we only have small brains. Some of us have no brains at all. But we know what we like. And that's stuff that fits in. End of."
"He can fuck off too," said Shuttlecock as he cracked a can of Stella and toasted gross stupidity. But not mediocrity, he hastened to add.