The UK economy was again in ruins today after countless millionaires suddenly vanished into thin air, leaving no trace and no forwarding address.
Faced with the threat of a Coalition squeeze on the mega-rich, thousands appear to have gone into hiding. In preference to coughing-up shed loads of tax on their hard-earned, unearned fortunes.
By lunchtime yesterday, Sloane Street was deserted and Harrods was reporting record losses on the day. Whilst Michelin star restaurants across London stayed closed and the Ritz Hotel went onto a 3-day week. Park Lane supercar fans reported they hadn't seen a Ferrari or a Bentley since mid-afternoon Friday.
Leading this Coalition crackdown on the super-rich, Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, is now puzzling over where they've all gone. “We've created thousands of new inspectors to squeeze the greedy bastards. But apart from footballers, we can't find any,” he revealed.
The missing millionaires, including bankers, investment bankers, fat-cat tax lawyers and members of the aristocracy, are thought to be worth a collected £100b. About ten times the cost of the Olympic Games.
“Never fear, the long arm of the law will catch up with them one day,” promised UK Borders Agency chief, Ron 'Slipper' Appleyard.
But accusing the agency of gross incompetence, Shadow Home Secretary, Yvette Cooper declared the Coalition totally unfit for purpose – for the third time this week. “Nobody in this government has a clue whether these millionaire scumdogs are still inside UK territory or sunbathing in the Cayman Islands,” she spat. “And the backlog of cases is increasing by thousands per day.”
“Despite the scale of the current problem, we do have a clear plan to tackle it,” countered Danny Alexander.
Asked for details, he apologised profusely and sang the first verse of Abide With Me.