Cap Cap Expected for Northerners
With energy bills set to rise for millions in October as Ofgem increases the energy price cap by 4%, the Government is also expected to announce its widely-anticipated cap cap on Northerners. From 17th October, there will be a limit for people in the north to own no more than two caps - one to wear during the day and one to wear at night in bed - in the hope that people in the south do not get caught out like last year, when a dearth of hats caused excessive banging of teaspo
UK celebrates annual day to get annoyed with the Taliban
With the attention-span of a gold fish on a wurlitzer and the outrage of a content creator in search of clicks, the UK has turned its attention again to Afghanistan – for all of one day. During this sacred period we will fake concern about a mess we contributed to and then completely forget about it, as there is football on the other channel. Our moral compass has a 24‑hour battery life, and we refuse to charge it overnight. Said one outraged citizen, 'It's appalling the trea
Trump denies Dolly Parton tribute is more about himself
Donald Trump moved quickly tonight to deny accusations that his tribute to Dolly Parton is motivated more by attempting to make himself look good rather than any real sense of sadness or grief. Speaking to reporters at the White House, and wearing a Taylor Swift t-shirt and Clash beanie hat the bonkers buffoon said: ‘I think Dolly was great a great lady. So many songs she’s left behind as her legacy. Just so many. Who can forget tunes like “She loves you,” and “It’s 5 o’clock
Reform UK Pledges to Free Britain From Tyranny of 2+2=4
Reform UK has pledged to break the stranglehold of the mainstream mathematical establishment by launching an urgent review into whether two plus two really needs to equal four. Party sources say the answer “four” has been imposed on Britain for generations by an increasingly out-of-touch uniparty consensus of Labour, the Conservatives, teachers, accountants, engineers and people capable of counting. “For decades we’ve been told that if you have two things and someone gives yo
Abbey Road zebra crossing heads for White House
US President Donald Trump has bought the world-famous Abbey Road zebra crossing and plans to install it just outside the new White House ballroom when that is completed in the New Year. He told reporters: “I’m a big fan of the Beatles, big fan. I know all their hits. ‘Goodbye Yellow Brick Road’, ‘Rocket Man’, ‘The Macarena’. So when I heard that – what do they call them? – the ‘drab four’ had been photographed on this crossing for a movie and stuff, I said to my people ‘we ha
US shoppers forced to choose between food and guns
US retail sales are under strain as shoppers grapple with rising costs. Food prices continue to rise and gas is heading back up to five dollars a gallon. Retailers say that shoppers are having to choose between heating, eating and shooting. In many stores food sales are down, but sales of guns and ammunition are up. 'It's a bunker mentality,' said the quartermaster for a well-known chain of megamarts. 'Shoppers are thinking, what's the point in eating, if the US of A is ov
No policies announced today
The government has announced no new policies today, extending the political drought to 72 hours. Expert commentators say that the government is leaving a dangerous policy vacuum that will just suck in loony policies from Reform or stupid ideas from TikTok. 'The policy vacuum does real economic damage,' said one freelance journo. 'I need new policies to write about, dissect, argue about, and write air-headed vox pops about. No policies, no paychecks for me. 'The government c
Plan to house homeless people in Travelodge hotels is ‘unsafe’
The Prime Minister has unveiled a plan to end rough sleeping, promising to 'get everyone in for Christmas' by offering homeless people accommodation in Travelodge hotels. However, the plan has been criticised by one homelessness charity, who pointed out that asking homeless people to sleep in a Travelodge may not be the safest solution, citing several recent reports of strangers walking into occupied rooms. 'We don’t think it’s appropriate to put vulnerable people somewhere w
Andy Burnham's Hoax Message Exchange
Andy Burnham today repeated his denial to reporters that he was not embarrassed by the message exchange with someone purporting to be the chief of staff for US President Donald Trump. 'I repeat that I am not embarrassed by the exchange of messages with a person purporting to be US President Donald Trump's chief of staff,' stated the Prime Minister. 'But I can assure you - once again - that no information was passed to this individual. This is a hazard of the job, it goes wi
Trump threatens to bomb Betty's Tea Rooms
Donald Trump has threatened to bomb Betty's Tea Rooms, if it 'gets in the way' of opening the Strait of Hormuz. The comments, made in a Fox News interview, aired as Iran and the US exchanged fire across the Strait. 'Next week it gets really bad for them,' Trump said. 'We're going to knock out all their kitchens. We're going to knock out all their rooms unless they get to the table and negotiate.' Human rights chief Volker Turk responded by saying: 'Under international law, d
