Every man in the world has universally agreed that the Chinese Sanwe SW-3701 ‘sperm extractor’ is the greatest invention ever, unlikely to be surpassed by anything Apple or anyone else is likely to troll out over the next fifty years. Sales of the machine, available on Alibaba.com, are outstripping those of new iPhones by 50 to 1 among males who have reached that age where they regularly celebrate that their johnson’s primary purpose is not for weeing out of.
“It’s a dream product,” said all men. “In goes Mr Winky, up comes the mood music, and the Sanwe then ‘has a tug of war with Cyclops’ you while you conjur up any number of monkey-spanking images from that sad little wank bank in your head. It’s a cross between selfish sex, a ‘date with Rosey Palmer and her five sisters’ and a blow job. It’s the holy trinity of the trouser department.”
Men continued: “Gillette? ‘The best a man can get?’ I don’t think so. iPhone 5? Fuck right off. This baby’s hands-free and it’s probably got a better phone — I just can’t find it yet because I’m too busy being vibrated across the room in perpetual ecstasy. Only downside is my cleaner won’t go near it.”
When asked whether they were worried that the new invention might relay personal information to the Chinese government via a secret device installed in the Sanwe known as the ‘alexander-graham-bell-end glansmitter’, all men replied, “Nope. Couldn’t give a fuck.”
Zhengzhou Central Hospital’s director of urology, Zhu Guoxin, has warned that this machine is only to be used for infertility patients who have trouble producing sperm ‘the traditional way’. “Yeah, whatever,” said men. “Give us another go.”
This latest coming together of technology and men’s self-pleasure has its detractors, including a bashing from the Bishop of West Byfleet. “I’ve given it a go and I can confirm that it brilliantly — I mean absolutely outstandingly — demonstrates the grave moral disorder of vainly ejaculating without propogation. I have now placed the offending piece of satanic gadgetry safely out of harm’s way, under my pulpit, just below the lectern where I read my very long and boring sermons.”
A spokesperson for Paul Raymond Publications, which publishes popular jazz mag Razzle, said “This is the end for us. Hospital wank rooms were our last profitable marketplace.”
Following technical and clinical trials there are now plans to have the Sanwe fitted to personal mobility device, the Segway. Rumours that Segway inventor, Jimi Heselden, tragically fell to his death off a cliff edge while testing a prototype of the Sanwe-Segway Chicken Choker 500 are unfounded.