HP printers that do nothing but whirr away and complain about lack of ink could be given to the elderly and lonely, a home office report revealed. The printers make perfect companions for people who don’t have a lot of printing to be done but do have a lot of time on their hands – and housebound senior citizens fit the bill perfectly. Needing constant attention, taking up valuable space and having an incessant craving to be fed copious amounts of ink every day, the irksome devices have all the hallmarks of overweight pets, except for the bad smell and hairs.
Unlike dogs or cats, walkies would not be necessary – a positive boon for pensioners. But the elderly could still drag the little runts around the floor by their power cords or USB cables, whenever they wished. For company in the evening, owners will be advised to sit the printers down on a footstool in front of the TV to watch Songs of Praise. By pressing the ON button at the start of the programme, the printer would be able to join in with the worship in its own special way, singing along with its succession of grunts, squeaks and clatters reaching a climax of beeps and groans before the ready light came on round about the time of the closing credits. At this happy moment, the owner could press the OFF button for another 15-minute chorus of gutteral noises while the printer settled down for sleep.
Note to Senior citizens: Unlike pets that pass away naturally, HP printers should not be buried in the garden at the end of their working life (which is about 6 weeks.) Instead they should be environmentally disposed of at an electrical recycling centre or, if none is available nearby, taken apart and posted back bit by bit in jiffy bags addressed to HP, Freepost, 1 Avenue de Canada, France.