The World Health Organisation today issued a stark warning to try and curb the spread of a sexually transmitted disease which it described as having reached "epidemic proportions."
This particularly unpleasant and hard to shake off disease is known as "children" (Medical name: fuckersi minoris) and it is reported to have caused severe distress and discomfort for billions of people around the world.
"Every day, we see more and more people suffering from this debilitating condition", said Dr Hans Biermann, WHO Spokesman for Sexual Health, who held a press conference today to highlight his concerns about the disease. "We've managed to keep some sort of control over the less serious STDs like herpes and chlamydia, but the problem of children just seems to get worse and worse every year."
Dr Biermann went on to describe the symptoms to look out for if people suspect that they are suffering from children. In women, the first warning signs include early morning vomiting and irritability, but as the disease progresses, it causes a large, disfiguring swelling of the abdomen and then an unusual vaginal discharge around nine months after infection.
In men, the early symptoms tend to be palpitations and extreme anxiety, although if the disease remains untreated for several years it can cause insomnia and severe money haemorrhaging as well as feelings of sexual frustration and murderous rage at the carefree life which they have lost.
Dr Biermann urged people to get checked out for children regularly and to seek urgent medical attention if they found out that they had the disease. "If you catch it in the early stages then you can deal with it by way of a simple medical procedure," he said. "But, if it is left untreated for years then it needs more, uh, specialist treatment", he finished shiftily, before concluding the conference by handing out promotional material for his clown costume and knife emporium.