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‘Football seems all right to us' insist gay community

(10 posts) (8 voices)

Started 9 months ago by Gerontius
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Gerontius

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Typical match day for Derren and Marcus, two die-hard United fans

7:00am: Derren is woken by his ‘Red Devils’ alarm clock - a good luck present from his mate Marcus on the opening day of the season. Wonders if Marcus is up yet
7:15am: takes a shower, uses the United face flannel Marcus bought him on his 23rd birthday. Takes care not to touch his genitals.
7:30am : breakfast, two boiled eggs...Derren smiles at the little ‘Red Devils’ egg-cosy Marcus gave him the day they beat Wigan 6-0 on Easter Sunday
8:00am: texts Marcus...’CU ltr m8...don’t forget to wear the lucky underpants I bought you last week’
9:15am: sets off to pick Marcus up....almost forgets to put on the matching ‘Red Devils’ seat covers him and Marcus use on match days
9:45am : Marcus is waiting at the door...high fives, hand shakes and hugs all round. Marcus says he’s really ‘up for it’ today
10:00am : Set off for Old Trafford...slow progress reaching the M25. The A3 link road closed at Kingston upon Thames...good job they set out early.
10:39am : Marcus has just come up with a new chant based around the chorus to Jessis J’s number one smash hit ‘Price Tag’
Derren reckons the lads in the Stretford End will be ‘well pleased’
10:45am : steady progress...M6 is clear
12:47pm : Pull off at the Knutford Services ...Marcus’s mum has made soup...fortunately there’s enough for two in the gigantic ‘Busby Babes’ thermos flask that Derren found for his best mate on eBay
1:35pm : pull into the NCP car park just off Stanley St...Yeeeesssss...their lucky parking bay is still available...more hugs and high fives
2:08pm : meet up in the Queen’s Head with some other UTD season ticket holders...it was raining when they left Essex and were relieved to see it had cleared up.
2:33pm : in the ground Marcus buys Derren a lucky pie
3:00pm : Kick off
3:01pm : ref awards Man Utd a penalty for handball....opposition goalkeeper is furious.
3:02pm : Utd go one up...hysteria, hugs, high fives and Marcus gets a peck on the cheek from Derren....those lucky underpants get slightly soiled but nobody cares. Utd are winning again.
To be continued.......

Posted 9 months ago #
Gerontius

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Yes...I believe Derren has just bought Marcus one.

Posted 9 months ago #
Sinnick

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There's a mine of sterotypes here, or is it a minefield ?
I look forward to the 2nd episode

Hoping for a Left Alert, or just letting off steam ?

Posted 9 months ago #
Golgo13

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A bit far-fetched if you ask me...

How do you get from Kingston-u-Thames to the M6 in 45 minutes?

Posted 9 months ago #
Perks

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Set off for Old Trafford...slow progress reaching the M25
And
ref awards Man Utd a penalty for handball....opposition goalkeeper is furious.

Just two of many lines that had me laughing. And the running merchandise theme. Stars

Posted 9 months ago #
dvo4fun

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"Set off for Old Trafford...slow progress reaching the M25" yep

Posted 9 months ago #
Very Little Else

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I'm sure that many of the footie, & possibly other, nuances went completely over my head, but loved the idea of a "lucky pie". Looking forward to further instalments of this warming tale.

Posted 9 months ago #
Anonymous

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erm....got the joke they were "Southerners" very early on...any need to keep repeating it?

Done a thousand times before and better.

2 stars.

Posted 9 months ago #
Midfield Diamond

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I thought at first that this was just a description of my own Saturday routine - names and football Club are different (and sexuality for that matter) but so many similarities, especially all the Club merchandise stuff. It feels normal to me but maybe the obsessive rituals and bizarre routines of us fans is amusing to others.

Lucky pies and lucky parking spaces are only part of the story. The mate I often travel to games with reckons we only get penalties if he's completed the Telegraph crossword that morning. He has to buy his half-time draw ticket from the same 'lucky' vendor even though he's never won anything. Similarly, he must have a lucky 'gypsy's kiss' at the same urinal just before kick-off. I can't imagine how shit we'd have been without all this luck he's brought us.

Posted 9 months ago #
Gerontius

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MD, that's really the angle I was working on to start with - but Damien is right - the 'southern' angle has been done to death and better than this. I got lazy and went for the stereotype rather than stick with the obsessive angle.
Nothing could be more gay than two passionate 'footie' obsessives and their pre-match fetishes...not counting you and your mate...obviously.
D & M should have been big, butch Northerners who turn into hopeless drama queens on match day....again, not you and your mate of course.
My family are all jobbing builders 6 days a week and pastry chefs for one day a week.

Posted 9 months ago #

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