Humanity has breathed a collective sigh of relief as its gods prepare finally to leave home and stand on their own two, or in Vishnu's case, four, feet.
For centuries, Christians, Muslims, Hindus and others have felt obliged to take offence by proxy and slaughter each other in the millions while their respective deities sulked in their bedrooms eating crisps and listening to annoying music. Now as their gap aeon draws to a close, the gods are setting off to manage their own affairs.
Single mother Mary ruefully recalled the time she dragged Jesus round to Quetzlcoatl’s mum’s house to make him apologise for his followers’ genocide of the Incas. “He can be a very loving boy, but I’m tired of doing everything for him – he just never seems to get involved. Time to move on. It’s a blessing really”
Waving goodbye to Baal as he set off in a rusty Fiesta crammed with bags, boxes and a stained duvet, Samira was more forthright, “Good riddance, he treated this house like a hotel. His brazen bull was in a shocking state and we’ve never had a word of thanks. It’s very frustrating, after all the sacrifices we’ve made for him”
Following weeks of protests across the world over a blasphemous film, believers devoutly hope that when future differences of opinion arise, the gods will thrash it all out amongst themselves in a frenzy of thunderbolts, scimitars and doves, then become the best of friends again.
Wiping a tear from her eye, Sarah Goldstein sighed “It will be a wrench to see him go, just like when Mercury flew the nest, but they have to grow up and little Yahweh was getting to be quite a handful. Sometimes he just doesn’t know his own omnipotence”