A survey has uncovered British rats’ anger at news that unlicensed West African cane rat meat is for sale on market stalls in East London. “For decades we British rats have been proud to be smashed over the head in takeaways and be fed to the nation’s binge-drinkers” said a rat yesterday, speaking at an undisclosed location but probably within 4 metres of where you’re reading this. “And then those of us who survive can enjoy eating the remains in the vomit on the pavement outside on a Sunday morning. It’s win-win, it’s our culture. Do you want to say goodbye to that?”
“And a market stall is just so, well, common” said another of the UK’s vermin. “We have standards. KFC, Wimpy, MacDonalds – respectable names that any rat would be happy to be seen skinned, breaded and deep fried in. Even pole dancing in the local kebab shop is preferable. But these foreign rats come over here and before you know it they’re anybody’s for a couple of quid.”
The newcomers have denied that Britain’s standards of rat-based cuisine were under threat. “We pests are in the same boat – often literally – so I say, live and let - aaaagh” said a cane rat in a butcher’s shop this morning.
Still, it looks like greater diversity in dodgy food is here to stay. On learning that illegally-imported meat was for sale down the road, a local Health and Safety Officer said he personally didn’t give a rat’s arse.