Richard Desmond, owner of the UK's Daily Express, has expressed his wish to close-down the Irish newspaper he co-owns which published a photograph the Duchess of Cambridge's erect nipples which, according to a Royal insider, had recently been sucked by HRH Prince William.
'I am disgusted by the thought that one, or possibly two, of HRH's nipples could have been fondled by her husband, before being sucked and fondled and being covered in honey and ice-cream which HRH would have to lick-off whilst being viewed by 35 of his sargeants at the annual Royal gangbang at Valley. It makes you puke, or it did for some of them, not least the ladies.
Desmond continued "I refuse to allow these Irish pornogrophers, who stand between me and a CBE, to publish these sordid pictures and as yet unpublished videos which, I must admit cost me a fortune to commission.'
'I promise to close this sordid publication and replace it with a more relevant and contemporary literary output. Next week's publication of two royal tits should at least draw attention to Andrew and Edward.'