The English Defence League’s Stephen Lennon and Militant Islam’s Abu Qatada have agreed to lead their teams onto the pitch in their first ever football match. To the winner, exclusive use of a disused Scout hut in Thurnby Lodge, Leicester.
The two teams, EDL Pathletic and Militant Islam Affronted, will field their most rabid, walnut-brained, myopic thugs in a bid to secure the small hut, which comes complete with a wooden board covered in different types of knots, an old Bob-a-Job ledger, the smell of 1970s cabbage, and some massive aluminium tea-pots.
Initially, it was suggested by Leicester City Council that the hall could be used by both groups; divided in two by the thinnest of misplaced ideological differences and underpinned by the flimsiest of foundations on which to build a credible set of opinions.
Both sides rejected the suggestion, each citing irreconcilable hatred of one another that ‘burns like a thousand infidels in hell’ (Militant Islam) and ‘does my fucking head in’ (EDL).
Talks were also delayed when the EDL leader refused to enter the hut until all the woggles had been removed, until someone explained that they were merely a left over box of harmless fastenings for securing the traditional Scout neckerchief.
Jocular chanting from the crowd is expected to be one of the highlights of the game. Press releases from the teams have revealed that the EDL’s “I’m not a racist. How can I be a racist in my own country?” will be met with “Your sister shows her ankles”, and both sides are expected to make full and frequent use of “The referee’s a moderate.”
A few minor issues remain unresolved. MI Affronted has said that women who have been raped by close relatives should not be allowed in, although the rapist should be given a corporate box. EDL Pathletic countered with a request that they perform a Hitler salute in front of some elderly war veterans.
EDL Pathletic are expected to start with a 0-0-10 formation, with everyone in defence and nothing to contribute in the middle or forward ground. MI Affronted plan to have 10 players in the dugout and one running towards the goal-line screaming ‘Show me the virgins’ while wearing a suspiciously lumpy shirt.
Sharia Twain and the Superior White Band will provide the pre-match entertainment.
Hat-tip to waylandsmithy