Cunt Magazine will tomorrow publish a 24 page colour centre-spread of nude Kate Middleton photographs.
Editor in chief, Max Penis, issued a simultaneous statement, declaring that Cunt's huge readership (circulation 6.4billion) was entitled to 'full disclosure' of all details surrounding Miss Middleton's vagina, pert breasts and promising bottom.
“What's the exact circumference and length of her nipples?” he asked. “We have the right to know! Is she hairy down below, full Brazilian - or is there some kind of highly secret fashionable variant? All shall be revealed at tomorrow's midday launch.”
Penis, a 23 year old product of the celebrated Rupert Murdoch graduate trainee programme, claimed that Cunt would be revealing shocking and sensational details of Miss Middleton's vagina, as part of its ongoing core policy to serve the legitimate demands of pubic interest.
“This bombshell of world headline news photos were taken by internationally respected paparazzo Mr Pepe Moldini,” he revealed.
Using a 24inch radio telescope from a secret site in the Himalayas, Moldini successfully zoomed-in on the open bathroom window of a 5* Kuala Lumpur hotel, wherein Miss Middlelton was secretly attempting to take a warm shower. “No attractive woman can ever hide from the truth,” Penis warned.
“Whoever you are, wherever you are. - whatever secrets you are trying to conceal or suppress. The long lens of the press will eventually bring you to justice.”