Prime Minister David Cameron has announced plans to leagalise slavery and remove all rights from employees. Speaking on The World at One, the Prime Minister said “In the current financial climate, the country simply cannot afford to keep paying the proletariat and have enough money left to keep people like myself and my school chums in yachts, helicopters, third houses and young Latino mistresses. It’s simply not on.”
Under new proposals by the Tory Government, anyone who didn’t go to public school can be ‘owned’ by their employer. “It’s quite simple. If your employee isn’t posh enough, then they are your ‘bitch’ and they can squeal as much as they like, but they have no rights whatsoever. Basically, it’s like the enclosures and the corn laws, but much, much better for people like me. You know, proper people, not chavvy types”.
New legislation proposes that any slave not willing to work themselves to death under the vengeful gaze of a Tory overlord can be taken out and shot without recompense to their family. Business Minister and newly appointed Lord of the Sith Vince Cable explained ever so politely that “This way bread winners will be motivated to flog themselves into an early grave for the benefit of the those who control the means of production, while the monthly cull of slaves ensures a regular fall in the unemployment figures. Once we change the factory laws to take the guards off the machines, that should help as well”.
With the proposed legislation, William Hague will have the job of deflowering all the slave daughters once they reach the age of consent. “It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it” said Hague, his baseball hat askew. “Imagine that”, said Cameron. “The first thing your daughter sees as she joins UK PLC will be the leering face of William Hague in his Vinegar Stroke”.