After years of rumour and intrigue, culminating in the recent press publicity, the Royal Family have decided to make a clean breast of it and admit that they have been practicing naturists for decades.
‘We observers have always suspected that the Royals like nothing better than to get their kit off behind closed doors,’ said the BBC’s Court Correspondent, Nicholas Witchell, ‘it’s one of the reasons that they have always demanded such privacy. But until now, apart from the occasional topless toe sucking incident and that time that an impoverished Princess Margaret offered a centre spread to Health and Efficiency magazine, they have been able to keep things covered up.’
‘Even before the Harry in Vegas pictures were released, public speculation had been raised by the younger royals’ unmistakable obsession with in the Olympic volleyball,’ continued Witchell, ‘they were in the arena day after day and once you become associated with a known naturist pursuit it’s only a matter of time before it all gets out. Er….the truth, that is.’
It is known that Princess Diana was aghast at the nude antics of her husband’s family which made her an outcast in Royal circles. Only a few weeks after marrying Prince Charles, she attended Prince Philip’s annual Balmoral Barbeque without a word of warning from her new husband, and the shock of seeing the Duke of Edinburgh in the buff cheerily offering to fill her bap turned her off pork sausages for the remainder of her life.
Even the Queen is a devout naturist and often parades up and down the corridors of Windsor wearing nothing but a ceremonial bearskin. She is so used to being au naturel in the confines of the Royal Palaces that she nearly arrived for a recent engagement wearing nothing but a tiara and pearls. ‘Fortunately,’ reported Witchell, ‘an under footman was able to create a diversion by killing one of her corgis and staff were able to cover her modesty in the confusion, otherwise the Archbishop of Canterbury would have been turned against women bishops for life.’
However, Her Majesty always buttons up for her weekly audience with the Prime Minister who is blissfully unaware of the Royals’ penchant for life in the raw. In private she is known to joke to the Duke of Edinburgh that whilst David Cameron says ‘Were all in it together’ the Royal Family are ‘in the altogether’.