At 10am yesterday, Boris Johnson apologised for permitting comments to be run in the Spectator magazine eight years ago saying that drunk and aggressive Liverpool football fans were partly to blame for the Hillsborough disaster: “I’m really really sorry – I accept I was misinformed. I’d like to make amends by offering all unemployed Liverpool workers jobs dismantling the stadium and other facilities in Olympic Park.”
At 11am, Mr Johnson again apologised: “I’m sorry if my previous comments implied that people from Liverpool have special skills dismantling stadiums. I accept that a lot of unemployed Liverpudlians have no skills whatsoever and are perfectly happy doing nothing.”
After lunch, Mr Johnson offered a further clarification: “I’m really sorry if my earlier comments suggested that Scousers sit around all day doing nothing – I accept they are quite physically active. I extend an invitation to people from Liverpool to come to the ExCel Arena for a cold beer then we can all set aside past differences with some impromptu boxing to the sounds of the Beatles. Sir Norman Bettison will provide a police presence to ensure things don’t get out of hand.”
At 5pm, an exasperated Boris stated: “I accept my last statement could also be misconstrued – warm beer is an equally valid beverage choice, and yes, I suppose the Beatles are so last century, so lets go with Coldplay. And the few Liverpudlians that don’t like boxing will be catered for with complimentary copies of the Sun for their reading pleasure.”
At 10pm, Boris Johnson’s press secretary said: “Boris will be making no further public statements on this issue. He is grateful for the flood of suggestions from his dear friends from Liverpool and reports that he has in fact stuck his whiff whaff bat up his arse.”
