In a surprise announcement by Buckingham Palace, the Queen has asked to be interred in a new royal crypt built beneath the Crowthorne branch of upmarket food store Waitrose, ten miles from Windsor.
A Palace spokesperson said: “Moved by the news that Richard III was buried by Leicester City Council in 1485, Her Majesty is keen to reintroduce the medieval tradition of laying monarchs to rest beneath the car parks of municipal and commercial town centre landmarks.”
The origins of the once popular tradition are unknown, although archaeologist Professor Steve Nicholls from the University of Leicester said that it might have had something to do with the peace and tranquillity of 15th century car parks.
“As far as we can tell there were no cars at the time,” commented Professor Nicholls, “so it was pretty much ‘take your pick’ as far as burial plots went. Given that our funeral directors spend hours driving slowly around car parks waiting for a burial space, the notion may seem strange to us, but in medieval Britain it would have been commonplace.”
The prospect of a royal funeral taking place in the small town of Crowthorne has already got the usual cohort of emotionally two-dimensional, simple-minded royal fans flushed with excitement.
Royal memorabilia collector Rose Owen is a Crowthorne resident. “It will be the funeral of a lifetime,” said Owen. “I’m hoping to be interviewed by the local media about my Thermos flask that once belonged to Ethelred the Unready. My husband Joe is going to shout ‘I love you The Queen’ from the pub over the road and throw a terracotta window box onto the bonnet of the hearse.”
Twenty-five local volunteer ‘Funeralmakers’ will welcome the world’s press, heads of state, presidents and prime ministers, and an expected crowd of half a million mourners. Gary’s PyroManiax Events, from nearby Yately, is to put on a largely firework-based opening ceremony. “I’ve got this fuck off Roman Candle that burns for half an hour,” said Gary.
Waitrose manager Tim Upshot says the store is ready. “Bernard who looks after trolleys is coming in on his day off, which means he’s giving up 85p in earnings.”
Prince Charles, who is rumoured to have already started the royal hearse when he heard the news, declined to comment on his own internment wishes as he backed the car up to the Queen’s living quarters and punched the air repeatedly while Camilla giggled uncontrollably and bibbed the hooter.