US Open tennis champion Andy Murray is reported to be overjoyed at the prospect of ending his days on a TV commentary panel. The Scot came off court in New York almost guaranteed a spot discussing how good or bad other people are at tennis on a major terrestrial TV network. Prior to his grand slam victory there were concerns the best he would manage would be Sky Sports.
The mood inside the Team Murray camp is said to be ‘ebullient’, especially after they explained to Murray what the word meant.
One Murray insider admitted there had been concerns immediately after the match that the best he might achieve was the freedom of the city of Stirling. “You couldn’t pay someone to take Stirling, never mind give it away for free,” the Team Murray spokesperson pointed out.
Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond was amongst those who praised the tennis player.
Addressing the Scottish Parliament, Salmond said: “Andy Murray has joined the ranks of Sir Sean Connery and Sir Alex Ferguson in the pantheon of humourless, arrogant Jocks who’d punch you in the mouth as soon as look at you. Especially if you imply that this is somehow a victory for Great Britain. Fuck that.”
Andrew Castle, a former sportsperson who now talks about sport or ‘human interest’ fluff on TV, said Murray had the charisma to front his own sports-based panel show.
“Right now, Sue Barker must be shitting herself,” added Castle.
BBC TV Head of Sports Commentator Selection, Darren Quick, refused to confirm or deny that the channel had already approached Murray with an offer.
Quick said: “Andy’s only 25 years old, which means he’s got at least three or four more years of decent tennis in him, before being handed his arse by some teenager from Croatia.
"Then, and only then, would we consider approaching him; but I should add that presenting BBC sport is not simply a matter of being good at sport. The BBC is a public service broadcaster and must strike a balance so that the less-gifted are also given a voice, hence our ongoing commitment to Alan Hanson.”
Seasoned TV ‘sportsentator’ Gary Linekar said: “Before Wimbledon when Murray broke down and wept like a bitch, people just hadn’t warmed to his brusque Caledonian demeanour. People thought he was just a younger Gordon Brown, with madder hair.
“But since he started going all vulnerable and sensitive he’s won everything he’s touched. I’m sure it’s in part due to the influence of his coach Ivan Lendl, but I’d say from experience sealing a pact with Satan might have had a hand in it as well."
Since winning the Open tournament, sponsorship offers have begun flooding in for the young Scotsman, who is already the face and thighs of Glenditch Highland water.
Linekar added: "Andy is the epitome of physical perfection and finely honed athleticism. Seven years from now there’s no reason why he couldn’t be the face of Quavers, Wotsits, Space Raiders you name it.”