Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Britain now under Shakira Law

Due to a misunderstanding of a misspeak of a typo, the whole of the United Kingdom is now under Shakira Law. Some Brits are unclear what...

Steveb

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Outrage that Ellie Kildunne isn't homosexual or transgender

There is outrage that Ellie Kildunne is just a bloody good rugby player and appears to be neither homosexual, transgender, transsexual,...

Titus

'POTUS 48 will be David Hasselhoff' confirms Russia

The People's Democratic Republic of Putin has announced that the next president of America will be Michael Knight during the week and...

Steveb

UK’s whimsy reserves at a record low

A report in to the UK’s whimsey levels show that reserves are at their lowest level since the end of World War 2. “It’s somewhat of a...

simonjjames

Caption Competition: Friday 3rd October

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing...

Big Turnout for Charlie Kirk Resurrection.

Winner: DickEveryman Runners-Up: "World's tallest man gives speech." (MrQ); "MAGA supporters told to look out for earthworms." (APepper).

Susan’s IKEA Sleep-in Enters Seventh Day.

Winner: DickEveryman Runners-Up: "In her imagination, Nadine Dorries was still young." (deskpilot); "Family fed, house cleaned,...

First Archbishop of Canterbury no bishopric

Tiddlywinks championships attacker shot by counter-terrorism police

The Longer Legs project is making great strides

Bouquets for Hyacinth

Dodgy PPE fails to protect Baroness Mone

Conservative leader Badenoch pledges to ban climate change

Stone tablet shows Hadrian wanted Picts to pay for the wall

Gulliver's Travels fan disappointed by online Swifties group

Horoscopes for October by 'Krystal Balls'

Aries You are a committed, passionate and obsessive person. You naturally, therefore, spend a lot of your time following your passions,...

Lockjaw

Egypt opens Valley of the Kings' tomb to the public

Judged by the company you keep

Laugh, they've nearly died

An old style weatherman

Leaked papers land Mayor of Cowes in freebie donkey ride scandal

The Isle of Wight has been rocked by the latest revelations in the so-called Pandora Papers, that show that Arthur Entwhistle, Mayor of...

Parklife Gutlord gets revenge on fat-shaming Blur

The walker criticised in Blur’s Parklife song for being a gutlord and told to “get some exercise” says he has finally got his own back on...

Three held on charges of historic crimes against music

Following a raid at an address in Manchester, it’s understood three men have been arrested by police and are being questioned regarding...

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

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Our annual for 2021-22

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Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

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Politics

'POTUS 48 will be David Hasselhoff' confirms Russia

The People's Democratic Republic of Putin has announced that the next president of America will be Michael Knight during the week and...

VIP lane criticised for using sub-standard VIPs

The former Conservative Government, of no fixed abode, pleaded guilty this week to using ‘VIPs of a substandard or shoddy quality’....

Gaza interim leader Blair calls Gordon Brown in for "one last job"

The potential new Gaza authority interim leader, Tony Blair, is looking to bring in former Deputy and PM Gordon Brown for "one last job"....

'Uggi' Blair to reprise historic president's poodle act

"I am so very excited about the President's wonderful transitional peace plan for Gaza," gushed four-legged Tony Blair, lolling out his...

Burnum denies any leadership ambitions

Mancunius Burnum, one of the most popular members of the Roman senate, has denied that he is anything but 100% supportive of “that...

Shock and outrage as Farage reveals secret swan meat addiction shame

Reform UK leader, Nigel Farage, today revealed that his latest tirade about migrants eating swans in Royal Parks were in fact a...

Americans pray for Hurricane Imelda to hit Southern States

In a surprise move, Churches across the United States have been praying for Hurricane Imelda to make landfall and wreak destruction....

Man actually looking forward to Starmer’s speech

It was revealed today that a man is genuinely looking forward to Sir Keir Starmer’s party conference speech this afternoon. Colin Sawdust...

Russia appalled that politicians taking bribes is illegal

The Kremlin is disgusted at the massive mis-justice that Nathan Gill, the former leader of Reform UK Wales, who was always an upstanding...

Galloway irritated that he was collaborating with Russia before it was popular

George Galloway, detained by the UK authorities earlier this weekend, has released a statement noting that he was collaborating with the...

UK’s whimsy reserves at a record low

A report in to the UK’s whimsey levels show that reserves are at their lowest level since the end of World War 2. “It’s somewhat of a...

Prime numbers accuse mathematicians of discrimination

Prime numbers from around the world are supporting a claim from the number 17 for the right to self-identify as an even number. 'For far...

Pinching and punching show healthy growth, no returns largely ignored

As the first day of the month hits the UK, early reports show that the "pinch, punch, first day of the month" ritual has seen a steady...

Nation's serial killers announce dismemberment outsourcing deal

The National Union of Serial Killers today announced a ground-breaking dismemberment outsourcing deal allowing them to focus on core...

Horoscopes for October by 'Krystal Balls'

Aries You are a committed, passionate and obsessive person. You naturally, therefore, spend a lot of your time following your passions,...

200 years anniversary of first UK train complaint

Saturday 27th September 2025 represents the 200th anniversary of the opening of the first public steam railway - and the first complaints about the railway.

Judas apologises for Good Friday 'confusion'

In a rare public statement, former disciple Judas Iscariot has apologised for the 'confusion' caused by his actions leading up to Good Friday in AD 30.

Doctors warn against listening to Trump while pregnant

Doctors have warned pregnant women not to listen to Donald Trump, as doing so could harm their unborn child.

Epstein estate try to distance themselves form Sarah Ferguson

The Duchess of York has learned that the estate of Jeffrey Epstein has distanced themselves from her and announced that they had been mere acquaintances.

British couple freed after months in Taliban prison: 'We were totally spying!'

A British couple who were imprisoned by the Taliban in Afghanistan for nearly eight months have been released but admit, with a small amount of giggling, 'We were totally spying'.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Michelle Mone may be aware of £122 Million Gown Fraud verdict

PPE Medpro is to payback the £122,000,000 to the government for gown fraud. The agreement is to pay £100 a month for the next one million...

‘Short Man’ energy to be harnessed by National Grid

Scientists at the University of Padgate claim to have discovered a new energy source. ‘Short men fizz with this dark, somewhat chaotic...

Nigel’s girlfriend to launch ‘Elite Waitressing’ blog?

Laure Ferrari is an unlikely feminist heroine, given that she’s shacked up with a leatherette man-frog, but her ability to afford a £900k...

Addresses stolen in Nursery Land hack

Hackers say they have stolen the pictures, names and addresses of around 8,000 Nursery Land characters including The Master, the Dame and the Little Boy who lives down the lane.

World's first gravy shop opens in Oldham

'Gravy Status' is believed to be the first outlet in the world serving pure gravy to gravyholics.

Flat earther flown into space, now claims his eyes are in on the hoax

Gary Newbold, 27, was the first flat earther sent into space, in a bid by the government to combat conspiracy theorists by exposing them...

Iguana's rare 'virgin birth' shocks Catholic Church

The pope has asked everyone to treat lizards with respect, in case one of those born in a Telford zoo from a virgin mother might be the...

Moon will be blue during next lunar eclipse, vows Reform

"Aren't you sick of the moon turning red every time there's a lunar eclipse?" Reform's in-house astronomer asked an almost empty press...

Trump imposes tariffs on imported thoughts and prayers

United States president Donald Trump has addressed the latest school shooting by introducing 25% tariffs on all overseas sympathy. Trump...

Jeffrey Epstein’s amazing memory

A close associate of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein has been talking about his amazing memory. She claims that Epstein had a...

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Becoming bored with flags, or flagging, Reform UK is pivoting to signs.

Exasperated Corinthians receive yet another letter from St Paul

News from Corinthia today as adminstrators for the region check the post and discover yet another missive from St Paul. "Oh my God, it's...

Israel claims Palestine was playing tinny music from its phone

The all-out annihilation of Palestine - ideally accompanied by the death of all Palestinians - can now proceed with an active chorus of...

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever...

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month. Residents in an exclusive residential area in...

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

A campaign was launched today to impose a 15mph speed limit on some of the smaller, quieter roads in Guernsey. “We’ve been aware for some...

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

A leaked report from the office of the London Mayor Sadiq Khan sets out a plan to ban cooking at home. “50% of domestic fires start in...

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Schrodinger famously postulated a thought experiment where a cat put in a box with a flask of poison and a radioactive material that...

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

The Home Office today announced a new plan to deal with illegal migrants arriving on small boats. Entitled “France really isn’t so bad”,...

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

A well-known London Council, celebrated for persistently ignoring residents’ opinions on matters that deeply affect them has launched an...

Local News

Britain now under Shakira Law

Due to a misunderstanding of a misspeak of a typo, the whole of the United Kingdom is now under Shakira Law. Some Brits are unclear what...

Outrage that Ellie Kildunne isn't homosexual or transgender

There is outrage that Ellie Kildunne is just a bloody good rugby player and appears to be neither homosexual, transgender, transsexual,...

Next week, BBC's Panorama will be shooting fish in a barrel

"For its next project," said a BBC spokes-bot, clutching a Colt 45 and a fishing net, "Panorama is going to lift the lid off a barrel of...

EA Games bought by Saudi Investment Group.....it'll be fine

Electronic Arts make some of the most popular video games, what are some of the expected new features now Mohammed bin Salman is...

Trump jails both US and European Ryder Cup teams

"I have issued an official legal order imprisoning everyone who played in last weekend's Ryder Cup for un-American activities," Trump...

Reform plans to scrap films with subtitles

Reform UK has announced it would abolish foreign films with subtitles, especially Welsh, if the party wins the next election.

Olivia Colman says no to film

In an unprecedented move that has shocked the world of cinema, actress Olivia Colman has said no to an offer of work. “Sorry, I just...

Freddie Kruger defects to Friday the 13th

Nightmare on Elm Street star Freddie Kruger has become the latest character to defect to another horror franchise. Kruger has been a...

Referees' Association introduces “autopen” system for Liverpool

The Referees Association announced today that it’s introducing an automatic penalty (or “autopen”) system for Liverpool FC. “Obviously...

Harry in Ukraine: step one of the rehabilitation plan

Charles has set Harry a target of 10,000 charitable works to secure his rehabilitation to royal life. Every journey begins with the first...

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Britain now under Shakira Law

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Outrage that Ellie Kildunne isn't homosexual or transgender

'POTUS 48 will be David Hasselhoff' confirms Russia

UK’s whimsy reserves at a record low

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 3rd October

Big Turnout for Charlie Kirk Resurrection.

Susan’s IKEA Sleep-in Enters Seventh Day.

First Archbishop of Canterbury no bishopric

Tiddlywinks championships attacker shot by counter-terrorism police

The Longer Legs project is making great strides

Bouquets for Hyacinth

Dodgy PPE fails to protect Baroness Mone

Conservative leader Badenoch pledges to ban climate change

Stone tablet shows Hadrian wanted Picts to pay for the wall

Gulliver's Travels fan disappointed by online Swifties group

Horoscopes for October by 'Krystal Balls'

Egypt opens Valley of the Kings' tomb to the public

Judged by the company you keep

Laugh, they've nearly died

An old style weatherman

Leaked papers land Mayor of Cowes in freebie donkey ride scandal

Parklife Gutlord gets revenge on fat-shaming Blur

Three held on charges of historic crimes against music

Our annual for 2021-22

'POTUS 48 will be David Hasselhoff' confirms Russia

VIP lane criticised for using sub-standard VIPs

Gaza interim leader Blair calls Gordon Brown in for "one last job"

'Uggi' Blair to reprise historic president's poodle act

Burnum denies any leadership ambitions

Shock and outrage as Farage reveals secret swan meat addiction shame

Americans pray for Hurricane Imelda to hit Southern States

Man actually looking forward to Starmer’s speech

Russia appalled that politicians taking bribes is illegal

Galloway irritated that he was collaborating with Russia before it was popular

UK’s whimsy reserves at a record low

Prime numbers accuse mathematicians of discrimination

Pinching and punching show healthy growth, no returns largely ignored

Nation's serial killers announce dismemberment outsourcing deal

Horoscopes for October by 'Krystal Balls'

200 years anniversary of first UK train complaint

Judas apologises for Good Friday 'confusion'

Doctors warn against listening to Trump while pregnant

Epstein estate try to distance themselves form Sarah Ferguson

British couple freed after months in Taliban prison: 'We were totally spying!'

Michelle Mone may be aware of £122 Million Gown Fraud verdict

‘Short Man’ energy to be harnessed by National Grid

Nigel’s girlfriend to launch ‘Elite Waitressing’ blog?

Addresses stolen in Nursery Land hack

World's first gravy shop opens in Oldham

Flat earther flown into space, now claims his eyes are in on the hoax

Iguana's rare 'virgin birth' shocks Catholic Church

Moon will be blue during next lunar eclipse, vows Reform

Trump imposes tariffs on imported thoughts and prayers

Jeffrey Epstein’s amazing memory

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Exasperated Corinthians receive yet another letter from St Paul

Israel claims Palestine was playing tinny music from its phone

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

Britain now under Shakira Law

Outrage that Ellie Kildunne isn't homosexual or transgender

Next week, BBC's Panorama will be shooting fish in a barrel

EA Games bought by Saudi Investment Group.....it'll be fine

Trump jails both US and European Ryder Cup teams

Reform plans to scrap films with subtitles

Olivia Colman says no to film

Freddie Kruger defects to Friday the 13th

Referees' Association introduces “autopen” system for Liverpool

Harry in Ukraine: step one of the rehabilitation plan