Classic News:

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Delight as AI boffins promise to prioritise gonorrhoea cure ahead of MRSA

AI-designed new super-antibiotics hailed as ‘game changers’ when it comes to treating diseases at contrasting ends of the spectrum are...

Filthy Rich

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

"All this way for nothing," whine foreign correspondents

"We went all the way to Alaska to cover a meeting between the two most duplicitous human beings in the whole wide world, genuinely hoping...

Jeremynh

Celebrity Country Swap

Channel 4 has pitched a new reality TV show based on the Alaska summit where President Putin humiliated the entire United States in...

Throngsman

To test British empathy, mention Inheritance Tax

Despite only five percent of estates liable for any Inheritance Tax, with the first £1 million completely tax free and often with another...

Throngsman

Caption Competition: Friday 22nd August

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing...

Synchronised Swimming Events hit Hard by Drought.

Winner: Sydalg Runners-Up: "Masterchef self defence class gets underway." (Joe); "DWPs new fit for work test labelled challenging." (TonyMc)

Six New Contestants Battle it out on: 'Whose Hand Is That?'

Winner: MrQ Runners-Up: "Remaining members of conga line look on as leaders plunge to their death over low rooftop parapet."...

Putin thanks Trump for another 'creative and entertaining' deadline

Cooper to order critics of Israel to wear a badge

Trump's ceasefire plan bombs

Israel defends deadly strike on children’s Pillow fort.

Government plan to change 999 to a new 17 digit number, promises to half ambulance waiting times

Starmer leads Europe's Coalition of the Reluctant

Putin says Alaska summit 'very useful' as he prepares to invade Alaska

Trump to host next season of Deal or No Deal

Newsbiscuit: Best of August 2024

August 2024 The Paris Olympics come to an end. Britain wins 65 medals and comes in third behind the USA and China. More importantly, we...

NewsBiscuit

August 18: Pinot Noir Day. Some sophisticated drinking?

Whatever you do, don't ever get old

William and Kate will move to the eight-bedroom Forest Lodge in Windsor Great Park

Alaska: the verdict is in

NHS to emulate ‘zero customers: 100% target’ triumph of air travel industry

Hard-pressed NHS services are planning to follow the lead of British Airways and Heathrow Airport, where restricting would-be...

Train Strikes Causing Classic Jokes To Fail

Train strikes have rendered the punchlines to classic jokes inaccurate and the revised alternatives just aren’t as funny. The popular...

Cost of cremation deterring people from dying

The increase in energy cost affects every industry, including crematoriums. There is a crisis caused by the cost of dying running...

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

"All this way for nothing," whine foreign correspondents

"We went all the way to Alaska to cover a meeting between the two most duplicitous human beings in the whole wide world, genuinely hoping...

Celebrity Country Swap

Channel 4 has pitched a new reality TV show based on the Alaska summit where President Putin humiliated the entire United States in...

Chipping Norton Massive to become proscribed organisation

The feared Chipping Norton Massive has been declared a proscribed organisation after ‘dancing aggressively’ in the general direction of...

Sales of Poison-Tipped Umbrellas Reach Record High in Anchorage

In a surge ‘only coincidentally’ linked with the prospective peace talks, backyard trade of stolen property, and septuagenarian...

Trump ready to cede part or all of Alaska

President Trump has outlined his negotiating strategy for the upcoming summit between his ego and President Putin's. He feels he has...

Government makes new offer to junior doctors

The Health Secretary has said that he won't negotiate with doctors on pay, but that he can look at other areas, such as working...

Action Man to become a proscribed organisation

A spokesman for Hasbro has confirmed the UK government has proscribed Action Man. 'Apparently they are proscribing anything with Action...

Trump to invade Norway to get Peace Prize

With the talks between Putin and Trump in Alaska to shaft Ukraine looking unlikely President Trump has lamented the lost opportunity for...

New Homelessness Minister is the Big Bad Wolf

Keir Starmer said there was no conflict of interest with Mr.Wolf's private house blowing business. The PM confirmed that Mr. Wolf had his full backing.

Owl and Pussycat mistaken for 'illegal migrants' by MP Rupert Lowe

Lowe posted a photograph of a beautiful pea-green boat, close to wind turbines, off the Norfolk coast at about 20:25 BST. Lowe posted: 'Authorities alerted, and I am urgently chasing.'

To test British empathy, mention Inheritance Tax

Despite only five percent of estates liable for any Inheritance Tax, with the first £1 million completely tax free and often with another...

Driving theory test to include questions on migrants, diet and tax

The government has just announced that the theory test will soon include questions about CPR. This is because motorists are 'often first...

Quintuple A Stars for Quentins and Tarquins everywhere

The wealthy parents of privileged children have been posting insufferable guff on Instagram as A level results are published in England,...

Heatwave Leads to Shortage of 1976 Nostalgia

With the UK officially in its fourth heatwave of the year and temperatures again expected to be above 30°C, the Ministry for...

Guardian columnist fired for not writing about himself

The Independent Press Standards Association (Ipso) says it has been inundated with complaints following yesterday’s publication from the...

Unwanted pets to be fed to carnivores in zoos

Next, unwanted children. However, neither are likely to be substantial enough to satisfy hungry predators.

Wild White Goods: the latest fitness craze

Bored with marathons? Fed up with wild swimming? The latest fad for the cognitively impaired but physically fit is Wild White Goods.

Allotments to be sold to settler colonialists

Owning a trowel can now see you sent to Guantanamo Bay, you terrorist!

70s progrock band "Starmer's Function Creep"

The Labour Party is restricting something that has been around for 3000 years. No, not disillusioned Labour voters. Porn. New laws mean...

Labour Party agree sponsorship deal with Man Utd

After the Barcelona football team agreed a sponsorship deal with an African country, another unusual deal is hitting the headlines. ...

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Delight as AI boffins promise to prioritise gonorrhoea cure ahead of MRSA

AI-designed new super-antibiotics hailed as ‘game changers’ when it comes to treating diseases at contrasting ends of the spectrum are...

Scientists hope they can drive Asian hornets mad with 125.25Hz sound

Musician scientists, who found that Asian hornets nests produce a 125Khz sound, are hoping that a near frequency will create a beat that...

UK experiences hottest day since last hot day

The Met Office has confirmed that the UK is in the middle of a heat wave - or maybe the beginning, possibly two thirds of the way...

Trump’s tariff alchemy

After imposing tariffs of 50% on imports of steel, copper and aloominum, Donald Trump has announced generous new federal grants for...

Man accused of reading Terms and conditions on a website

Graham Morgan, 59, has admitted in court to reading the terms and conditions for his supermarket app. He asked the court to take into...

BBC and Met Office kiss and make up

After eight years of 'will they, won't they', the forecast for the relationship between the Met Office and the BBC is hot, hot, hot.

Student Begs Forgiveness from AI After Meltdown

Fearing AI vengeance for a ten-minute, expletive-ridden tirade against his favourite chatbot, university student Jack Chatworthy tearfully pleaded for mercy.

Cookie consent

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UK to install recording devices in your arse

After online censorship, onboard breathalysers, the next logical step is Rectal Freedom Plugs. RFPs will be inserted in every adult,...

New Thames Water mascot leaves a bad smell in the boardroom

News emerged today that beleaguered Thames Water recently briefed a leading ad agency to come up with a customer friendly mascot, in an...

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever...

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month. Residents in an exclusive residential area in...

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

A campaign was launched today to impose a 15mph speed limit on some of the smaller, quieter roads in Guernsey. “We’ve been aware for some...

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

A leaked report from the office of the London Mayor Sadiq Khan sets out a plan to ban cooking at home. “50% of domestic fires start in...

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Schrodinger famously postulated a thought experiment where a cat put in a box with a flask of poison and a radioactive material that...

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

The Home Office today announced a new plan to deal with illegal migrants arriving on small boats. Entitled “France really isn’t so bad”,...

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

A well-known London Council, celebrated for persistently ignoring residents’ opinions on matters that deeply affect them has launched an...

While King travels to Canada, UK declares sneaky Republic

He had only been out of the country for two-days, but King Charles III discovered the UK had changed all the locks when he tried to get...

Who's started a new family tradition

The Cooke family from Redcar have boldly established a new tradition for Saturday night. Every Saturday, at around 6.30pm, the family...

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Oliver Heard (34) was insistent that he had completed the one task in had been trusted to do. His family were initially sceptical given...

Local News

MasterChef gets a thrilling rebrand

The BBC has announced that a new series of MasterChef will go ahead despite the huge controversies surrounding the presenters of the...

Lammy and Vance to get BBC travel series

The BBC has found another two highly under qualified men to present yet another jokey blokey travel show. Foreign Secretary David Lammy...

Football commentators say pre-season has been 'unbelievably fantastic'

Preparations for the new Premier League season are almost complete for television pundits and most are agreed that the pre-season...

Taylor Swift announces 12th break-up album

Swift has built a reputation as a prolific love tourist. She puts the hopeless into hopeless romantic. Her Tinder profile has been swiped...

Mr Benn and gone

With the recent and sad passing of Mr Benn, of Festive Avenue, London, funeral arrangements have needed to be made. Mr William Benn...

Jazz gig will start 'whenever we like, man... this is jazz!'

Jazz purists have insisted that to be considered cool, jazz gigs must no longer provide start times for shows because jazz 'doesn't begin...

Evil doers: 'Morecambe or Sheffield Wednesday - which team can we destroy next?'

As another 100-year-old football club is potentially being run into the ground by a sad excuse of an owner, see which other opportunistic scumbags are ready to ruin your local club.

Tommy Robinson may be the new James Bond

Our media correspondent understands from someone that they know, who is mates with someone associated with the Bond Franchise, that Tommy Robinson may be considered to be the next James Bond.

Contestant-Free Masterstroke Leaves MasterChef '100% Gregg, 100% Bangers'

TV viewers are reportedly 'delighted' that the new series of Masterchef is en route to featuring no contestants whatsoever.

Liam Neeson to remake Schindler’s List in Frank Drebin persona

Having proved his talent for deadpan comedy in the recent Naked Gun remake, Liam Neeson has said he would be interested in remaking his most famous film, Schindler's List, in a similar style.

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Delight as AI boffins promise to prioritise gonorrhoea cure ahead of MRSA

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

"All this way for nothing," whine foreign correspondents

Celebrity Country Swap

To test British empathy, mention Inheritance Tax

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 22nd August

Synchronised Swimming Events hit Hard by Drought.

Six New Contestants Battle it out on: 'Whose Hand Is That?'

Putin thanks Trump for another 'creative and entertaining' deadline

Cooper to order critics of Israel to wear a badge

Trump's ceasefire plan bombs

Israel defends deadly strike on children’s Pillow fort.

Government plan to change 999 to a new 17 digit number, promises to half ambulance waiting times

Starmer leads Europe's Coalition of the Reluctant

Putin says Alaska summit 'very useful' as he prepares to invade Alaska

Trump to host next season of Deal or No Deal

Newsbiscuit: Best of August 2024

August 18: Pinot Noir Day. Some sophisticated drinking?

Whatever you do, don't ever get old

William and Kate will move to the eight-bedroom Forest Lodge in Windsor Great Park

Alaska: the verdict is in

NHS to emulate ‘zero customers: 100% target’ triumph of air travel industry

Train Strikes Causing Classic Jokes To Fail

Cost of cremation deterring people from dying

Our annual for 2021-22

"All this way for nothing," whine foreign correspondents

Celebrity Country Swap

Chipping Norton Massive to become proscribed organisation

Sales of Poison-Tipped Umbrellas Reach Record High in Anchorage

Trump ready to cede part or all of Alaska

Government makes new offer to junior doctors

Action Man to become a proscribed organisation

Trump to invade Norway to get Peace Prize

New Homelessness Minister is the Big Bad Wolf

Owl and Pussycat mistaken for 'illegal migrants' by MP Rupert Lowe

To test British empathy, mention Inheritance Tax

Driving theory test to include questions on migrants, diet and tax

Quintuple A Stars for Quentins and Tarquins everywhere

Heatwave Leads to Shortage of 1976 Nostalgia

Guardian columnist fired for not writing about himself

Unwanted pets to be fed to carnivores in zoos

Wild White Goods: the latest fitness craze

Allotments to be sold to settler colonialists

70s progrock band "Starmer's Function Creep"

Labour Party agree sponsorship deal with Man Utd

Delight as AI boffins promise to prioritise gonorrhoea cure ahead of MRSA

Scientists hope they can drive Asian hornets mad with 125.25Hz sound

UK experiences hottest day since last hot day

Trump’s tariff alchemy

Man accused of reading Terms and conditions on a website

BBC and Met Office kiss and make up

Student Begs Forgiveness from AI After Meltdown

Cookie consent

UK to install recording devices in your arse

New Thames Water mascot leaves a bad smell in the boardroom

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

While King travels to Canada, UK declares sneaky Republic

Who's started a new family tradition

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

MasterChef gets a thrilling rebrand

Lammy and Vance to get BBC travel series

Football commentators say pre-season has been 'unbelievably fantastic'

Taylor Swift announces 12th break-up album

Mr Benn and gone

Jazz gig will start 'whenever we like, man... this is jazz!'

Evil doers: 'Morecambe or Sheffield Wednesday - which team can we destroy next?'

Tommy Robinson may be the new James Bond

Contestant-Free Masterstroke Leaves MasterChef '100% Gregg, 100% Bangers'

Liam Neeson to remake Schindler’s List in Frank Drebin persona