The rarely outgoing Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams has launched a scathing attack on his ageing VCR. First rented from Rumbelows in the Summer of 1987, Williams claimed the device has become ‘increasingly irrelevant’ in the corner of his lounge.
Dr Williams has been accused by a blank screen and an annoying hissing noise of being ‘out of touch’ in modern Britain, the timing of his criticism comes after 27 months of failed recordings of ‘Songs of Praise’. With retirement looming and only Welsh channels available on his kitchen portable, the head of the Church of England hopes he can ‘turn back the clock’, or at least reset it for British Summer Time.
“When I engage the people around me, particularly my wife and children, they speak of their frustration at being left behind by the relentless march of progress”, admitted Williams. “The Church of England is open to such criticisms, and I often turn to the good book for guidance when faced with such adversity. It’s surprisingly prescient, if a little hard to translate. I think it’s suggesting I tune it manually or anoint the heads with holy spirit, using a cotton bud through the little flap on the front.”
Despite the demise of analogue broadcasts and society’s growing acceptance of set-top boxes, Dr Williams is insistent that it’s not too late to halt the decline in his ‘home sermon system’. Jane Williams is impressed by her husband’s dedication to such an obsolete way of living.
“Every evening, Rowan kneels in quiet contemplation, bows his head and wordlessly fiddles with the tracking”, she explained. “I’m sure we witnessed the ghostly image of Stephen Fry through the static last week.” Many of the faithful find such claims highly controversial, not for well-proven technical reasons, but because they don’t want homosexuals in their living rooms. But Dr Williams welcomes all-comers, even those on Betamax. “The church needs to remain relevant”, he insisted. “That’s why I’m buying a new aerial, to see if I can pick up this ‘Channel 5’.”