Responding to criticism of his government reshuffle, David Cameron has highlighted his bold revival of his “hug a hoody” campaign, with a scheme to offer places in government to the nation's anti-social offenders and criminals.
"Take this Mr S Burns of Essex" said Mr Cameron. "Having broken a cyclist's neck while driving out of a central London car park in a 4x4, Mr Burns wrote to suggest he could best learn the error of his ways through a series of well paid jobs overseeing Health and Transport policy – perhaps with Environment to follow. What could I say but yes?" Jo Smith of campaign group Don't Drive With Your Eyes Shut has praised the initiative, saying “at first we were outraged that this man received only a £400 fine for critically injuring someone. But we are looking forward to working with Mr Burns, and will be closely following his every move. Quite literally.”
"There's potential all across our society" said Mr Cameron. "Why, just today we received an application to join the government from an imprisoned Turkish man with a lot to offer the Treasury, if not his shareholders. Mind you, one has to be careful: I had to personally step in when we were about to offer some Mr Johnson from London the post of Minister with a Roving Eye."
Not to be outdone, Nick Clegg has developed his own “middle-aged training scheme” aimed at offering disgraced expenses-fiddling City wideboys, a demographic usually associated with his coalition “partners”. However, the first successful applicant, the self-styled Mr David “above the” Laws, has criticised the scheme as not living up to his expectations. “I was hoping to improve our education system, particularly in maths: I've met a lot of young people with quite the wrong idea about taking away. But it turns out that my duties mostly amount to standing in for Nick in fights and making the tea, and all for a measly £100k – you can hardly rent a flat for that.”