With the anticipated completion of the crossrail project somewhere around 2018, mayor Boris Johnson has empathically declared the long-running London construction project that was started many centuries ago, almost complete.
The project which had been dogged by cost overruns and slips in delivery time running to many hundreds of billions of pounds over three millennia was started as an ambitious roman project under the direction of Emperor Claudius. But it had suffered from a lack of vision and understanding of the end client requirements. This lead to constant rescoping of the project and ultimately saw many changes in leadership from the Normans to the Tudors, Blairs and finally to the Johnsons.
Windsor,the previous incumbent contractor, had left the project in disgrace following allegations of widespread fraud and expense abuse which had even included spending on lavish Las Vegas parties that had been billed back to the project's funders, not dissimilar to the Mob backed union racketerring that had blighted New York construction projects back in the 1920's.
The mayor said enthusiastically that the completion of the London 2012 Olympic park, the Shard and a high-level zip-wire heralded the climax to the programme. He acknowledged the bluster around extra airport capacity around the city was in fact a smokescreen to avoid additional scrutiny about final exprenditure and agreed it would never be realised. 'The project will be wound down in 2018 regardless' stated the mayor. 'Then there'll be a massive party which we'll chuck some more money at'.
Yes, there had been some mistakes admitted Johnson. Who can forget the enormous white domed elephant built back in 1999? He put his own hands up to the spasticated upside-down red trumpet saying everyone deserved one screw up; the Orbit being his legacy.
Funding for the project had initially been found through the imposition of a 'tax' on peasant workers, but as the costs mounted and the dawn of the industrial revolution,the country embarked on an ambitious round of fundraising invasions and wars across the globe, almost having to declare itself bankrupt in the 1930s, 40's,50's,60's,70's,again in the 80's and most recently in 2007 when the project's main banking partner realised their calculators were missing vital keys including the 'add' and 'equals to' function and couldn't in fact be powered on Krug champagne.
With the iminent completion of the project, the design team are turning their attention to future projects. The plans for the Dundee Eye are almost finished stated the Mayor proudly, but when pushed accepted that the only additional work had been the deletion of the word 'London' from the original blueprints. 'We also have an ambitious programme of Royal Palaces and government buildings to roll out across Hull, including a 1000ft Helter-Skelter' he said wistfully.
The mayor also hinted he may be considering taking on the more ambitious Great Britain project which so far has failed to get off the ground or attract any serious backers. The current contractor, Osbournes, has been beset by constant criticism for their failure to start construction without a signed-off design or planning approval, noting that the entire freshly-laid foundations would probably have to be dug up. Their design team had recently been exposed as being amatuer and unqualified. An investigation had discovered their previous portfolio consisted of nothing more than a small garden shed which was constructed poorly, even with the involvement of a second subcontractor, Liberal Demolitions.The shed has since collapsed.
8m People across the city breathed a collective sigh of relief to the prospect that an end to tube upgrades, road repair closures, the Olympics, was finally in sight. 'I'm looking forward to getting out and seeing what all the fuss was about' said one. The Mayor again thanked everyone for their patience and promised everyone a free go in the Thames cable car at some undisclosed date in the future.