West Ham boss Sam Allardyce has moved to calm fears that his side might struggle with on loan talisman Andy Carroll out injured and insists he has the perfect replacement for the big man – a huge tree.
Having let Sam Bostock and Nicky Maynard leave in the transfer window, Allardyce only had the erratic Carlton Cole or untried Modibo Maiga to pick up front in Carroll’s absence but he has moved quickly to make the free transfer signing of a giant redwood he saw in a local park.
A manager spotting untapped talent in the local park seems like stuff from a bygone age, but the Hammers boss says he knew the tree would fit perfectly into his style as soon as he saw it.
“There were some kids on the grass just booting the ball against this tree,” said Allardyce in a recent interview, “and it was hitting the tree, bouncing off, and they were volleying it and heading it. And that tree never missed a bloody cross. And I thought that he’d be the perfect replacement for big Andy. It’s really the perfect Big Sam-style striker”.
Some West Ham fans have suggested the tree’s age could be a problem, with some suggesting the redwood could be decades older than its claimed “official” age. Allardyce swatted such concerns aside, saying people said much the same thing when he signed Nigerian international Jay-Jay Okocha for Bolton.
The redwood has stated that it is looking to the long term with the Hammers, and is hoping to put down some roots at Upton Park