Paralympic athletes are to be assessed according to how culpable they are for their disabilities.
Though the competition already possesses a classification system, it only categorizes the type rather than cause of each disability, leaving it dangerously exposed to the sort of moral maze idiots, the Daily Mail or the Moral Maze might get in a huff about.
The proposed system would classify each athlete’s injury according to how innocent they were of their affliction and would mean those who couldn’t help not having any legs competing separately from the sort of person who tried to run across a row of partially submerged crocodiles for a drunken bet during their gap year.
“Basically, how culpable are you for your predicament?” campaigner, Shelvey Barraclough explained.
“Limb or sense loss from fighting in a war for example, would be classified above the same thing happening because you provoked a fight with someone you didn’t know in a pub car park but below being born that way.”
“It’s not all that hard: at the top are people born with these conditions or anybody injured in accidents where it’s proved they weren’t in any way to blame.”
“At the bottom are drunk drivers, anyone injured whilst skiing, mountaineers told specifically not to climb that bloody great thing in this weather and Australian shark attack victims.”
“Obviously we're not blaming anybody for being attacked by a shark,” he added.
“But on the other hand, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hold people to account for being Australian.”