Does politics confuse you? Do you really know what each party stands for? Well, sit back and relax whilst we bring you NewsBiscuits guide to the 3 main political parties in the UK.
The Conservatives were formed in 1726 by a group of chinless Kentish landowners concerned about immigrants from France.
One of the Conservative's main principles is having public services operated by private firms. They believe that a group of people running it for the public good is less efficient that a company who's main drive is making a profit for shareholders.
The Conservative party is also known as the "Tory" party. "Tory" is a derivation of the word story, which is where someone is told something they want to hear that is totally fictional and bears no similarity to the real world.
The Conservatives are staunch supporters of the 1st past the post voting system as it reminds them of trips to Ascot.
In the political spectrum, the Conservatives sit on the right (a shortened version of their claim to be "always right"). Famous right wingers include Oswald Moseley, Margaret Thatcher and Sir Stanley Matthews.
The Liberal Democrats were formed in the 1990's by the merger of the Liberal Party and the SDP. Neither party had a manifesto but hoped that the other did. This was not discovered until after the merger was complete. Liberals traditionally have no fixed values, rather they imply them by criticising others who stand up for something.
The Lib-Dem motto is "Saying yes to everyone in the vain hope of some votes". In the political landscape, the Lib-Dems occupy the centre ground, sitting on the fence between the left and right wings, though they will move if someone else wants to sit there.
The former Liberal Party did take office a number of times in the days before colour was invented. This was purely a ruse of the Conservatives to make everyone realise that things could actually get a whole lot worse with someone else in charge.
"Liberal Democrats" is an anagram of "Dismal Career Blots". This sums up nicely what happens to anyone who is elected to Parliament (*1) on their behalf.
(*1) – This is a theoretical issue and has never yet happened.
The Labour Party was formed in 1907 by a group of small children who were fed up with cleaning chimneys for a career. The use of the word "Party" in the title has always been very tongue in cheek. A party is a cheerful place full of happy people enjoying themselves. By contrast, Labour Party meetings are full of dour, miserable people who work for a living and smell of coal dust.
Labour takes its name from the act of giving birth. People become aware of the political process and experience a rush of great joy, though this very quickly turns to nausea. Over the coming months, things begin to grow out of all proportions and they get rapidly more frustrated with the whole situation. By about 9 months, they are shouting and raging at anyone who will listen, telling them they hate them and it is all their fault. They are now ready to take up full party membership.
In the 1990's, Tony Blair invented a fresh angle for the party and called it "New Labour". In the same way as comparing "New England" with "England", "New Labour" promised much, delivered little and was full of insincere people with nice shiny teeth.
For many years, the Labour Party was the political equivalent of a retarded monkey watching Stirling Moss drive a Ferrari and shouting "Can I have a go?" On the few occasions that they have been allowed to have a go, they have looked perfectly happy until they start moving forward. They quickly crash in a spectacular and expensive manner, then start throwing their own excrement over everyone.