British competitors at the London 2012 Paralympics Games have spoken of their determination to equal the stunning performance of their non-disabled counterparts when it comes to casual sex.
'Over 150,000 condoms were distributed in the Olympic Village during the games,' said Matt Franklin, who represents Great Britain in seven a-side football. 'That's fifteen per athlete and I'm sure that over the eleven days of the Paralympics we can use the same amount or do even better.'
'To get to the Paralympics you have to sacrifice everything to training,' added cyclist Louisa MacKenzie. 'Sex goes completely out the window. As soon as my event is over I'm making up for lost time. Forget handlebars, only thing these prosthetic arms will be grabbing are bottles of champagne and tight arses.
The Paralympic squad are confident that they have what it takes. 'I'm as capable of falling out of Movida drunk at four am and then tweeting a picture of myself naked with a feisty beach volleyball player as anyone,' said wheelchair sprinter, Simon Hawke. 'Though when you're in a wheelchair the falling over part doesn't usually happen 'cept when booze makes you misjudge the curb.'
There have been some expressions of disquiet from Olympic officials who are concerned that such promiscuous, party-fuelled behaviour will bring the Paralympics into disrepute. Something the athletes were quick to deny.
'That's just balls,' said Franklin. 'Some people like to think of paralympians as humourless, sexless heroes battling against a life of pain and adversity. You want adversity and physical hardship? Try unhooking your girlfriend's bra when you've got severe cerebral palsy.'
'It is true that sex might be a bit different,' said Hawke. 'I've got no sensation below my chest but my arms, lips and tongue work just fine so I've never had any complaints from the ladies.'
MacKenzie agreed. 'Having a catheter doesn't stop me having great sex, only a bloke who's a crap shag does that.'
As the Paralympics continue it remains to be seen whether the British team will be successful in their bid to use up all their condoms but so far they remain on course to break records.
'If we fail, it will not be for lack of effort,' said Hawke. 'And if there's any left over we can always have a massive water-fight.'