Herbal medicine creators and homeopaths were today said to be “very excited” at the reports of a new natural ingredient with proven painkilling properties. Derived from the coco plant, the white powder – or ‘cocaine’ – is imported from secret Cuban forests in specially designed rubber packages.
Representative for the National Society of Herbal Medicine David Shea-Jones was delighted at the initial test results, where users were so overcome with the power of the coco-extract that they soiled themselves. “Initially it looked like it was going to be a very expensive product as our Cuban counterparts put a lot of emphasis on purity, but when they pointed out that they were able to mix it with the charred remains of a local’s wooden hut it halved in price”. When confronted about the lack of traditional herbs and rituals, he pointed out that ‘essence of gravel’ was stirred into the powder with an elm twig on its arrival in the country, thus raising the price up to £320 per gram (including purified spring water).
Following on from the use of secretive foreign ingredients, the researchers for the NSHM are also considering the use of poppy seed extracts to create an anti-depressant. “We’ve heard that the plant can produce a highly nutritious paste, and we want to capitalise on that by mixing it in with honey and camomile, and then watering it down until there’s sod-all left in there”, said Shea-Jones.
The organisation was reported to be “very upset” at claims that they were actually using real drugs in their new products, having worked so hard to avoid including anything of any true value over the years. “Some people have claimed that we use marijuana in our medicines, but nothing could be further from the truth. It may be natural, but we’ll never give our patients something with a proven medicinal effect.”