Masai Mara National Park, Kenya: Terrified Masai tribespeople were today taking emergency shelter following the sighting of what appeared to be a rogue Essex girl, lurking in the undergrowth, deep in the heart of this spectacular wildlife reserve.
The sighting was reported in the early hours of this morning by a Masai tribesman who was collecting firewood, and immediately reported to the authorities. Via iPhone.
"At first, we had just the one single report," said Police Chief Jacob Nzuma. "Then we became inundated with reports of a rogue Essex girl, from many sources. We are treating these sightings with the utmost degree of seriousness. We are in little doubt that there is indeed a rogue Essex girl on the loose. This could have a catastrophic impact on the delicate ecosystem of the reserve. In an effort to track down and dispose of this rogue Essex girl, we have enlisted the assistance of a number of skilled Masai trackers, and a team of crack marksmen. One cannot overestimate the damage a rogue Essex girl is capable of wreaking on the population, and on the land."
Masai tribesman, Swaba Sunkole claimed that he was the first person to spot the rogue Essex girl. He claimed to have photographic evidence on his Blackberry, and has apparently signed an exclusive deal with British Media outlet, EIF News and Features. But he did have this to say:
"I was gathering firewood in the bush, in the long grass, in Fakawi territory, when all of a sudden a flock of beds took to the sky. When I looked closer, I saw the rogue Essex girl with my own eyes. It was horrible. It was barely dressed, and it was orange, with big black eyes and enormous breasts that did not move naturally. They were strange breasts. They appeared to be, somehow artificial. Then it started to approach me, in a prowling manner. When it bared its enormous teeth I was temporarily blinded by the glare. The blood red talons were terrifying. I took to my toes immediately. I am only grateful that the rogue Essex girl was wearing what appeared to be six inch stiletto heels, which hampered its progress somewhat. Thankfully I was able to escape. I will remain inside until this thing is tracked down and shot. Personally, I would ben the body, just to be on the safe side. Like. By the way, I am big fan of Manchester United. Please send message to Wazza Rooney saying we hope his bad leg gets better soon."
At the time of writing, the hunt continues.
More as we get it.