In a bid to curb unruly behaviour in the classroom, the department of education has decided to introduce a number of brutal disciplinary measures including the use of medieval instruments of torture.
The implementation of these tools will be to both punish culprits and to make it plain to youngsters that disruptive behaviour will not be tolerated and that murderously cruel punishments will be applied as necessary.
A spokesman for head teachers issued a statement last night:
"Whilst we realise that some may see these measures as somewhat harsh and excessive, we don't. In fact, we can hardly wait to begin subjecting pupils to horrendous trials of pain and endurance that will take them to the very brink of death itself."
It's understood that some of the methods being put forward include brutal dislocation where the child's limbs will be yanked from the sockets, branding with hot irons, "The Boot" whereupon the miscreant's foot will be crushed to a bloody pulp, The Iron Maiden, The Thumbscrew and for female pupils caught chatting in the queue for assembly "The Scold's Bridle", which will involve having a particularly fiendish device clamped onto the head with a spiked attachment that will rip the offender's tongue to shreds whenever the child attempts to speak.
A spokeswoman for Childline, an organisation set up to combat child exploitation and abuse spoke to waiting reporters:
"Christ this is great news! This type of diabolical life threatening abuse has been far too long in coming in my book!
"MAIM AND TORTURE 'EM!........MAIM AND TORTURE 'EM I SAY!........MAIM AND TORTURE SOME BASTARD SENSE INTO EM!!!!!!"