On paper George Osborne had impeccable economic credentials. The 40 something-year-old won a place at Oxford University with an an offer to repaper all the dons' studies free gratis (paste included). References from his nanny and six certificates from a year at the Miss Holliwell's Dance School for Glowing Boys clinched the deal.
While studying sums at the elite university, he was showered with Old Spice, Brut for Men and L'Oreal products and now more than thinks he's worth it. But Mr Osborne’s high-flying economic career unravelled when he applied for the sought-after Chancellor's position.
His application claimed that he had not only balanced his chequebook whilst still at Primary School but had also co-authored numerous Halifax adverts, including the one where Howard sings and lots of people stand on each other and sail away into the sunset.
A professor, reviewing a piece of long division included with the application, noticed a suspicious similarity with the workings out of another top maths bod. Alarm bells rang when an eagle-eyed taxman (is there any other kind?) spotted a rubbed out name that, once held over a lit candle and rubbed with a raw onion, resembled the word 'grable'.
It was clear, he thought, that Mr Osborne had plagiarised almost the entire complicated problem which involved seven men with seven wives, sacks, cats and rats all, for some inexplicable reason, travelling on foot to a highly over-rated Cornish seaside resort.
After fooling some of the brightest minds in the Conservative Party for more than two years while attending posh dinners, smashing plates and and copying his best friend's hairstyle, Mr Osborne has now been arrested and accused of making up virtually the entire Budget.
“The defendant seriously undermined the famed integrity of the British political system and cheated several polygamous men and their pets out of a much-needed seaside break,” James G. Brown, a man who is also very good at sums, told Sky News.
He was unable to complete his statement as Adam Boulton punched him.