The USADA is claiming victory against Lance Armstrong. A jubilant spokesperson announced:
For many years, we have had suspicions that he has been cheating by using artificial aids. Now, we finally have proof.
USADA had adopted a careful strategy of taking the piss but Mr Armstrong succeeded in keeping his disgraceful behaviour hidden.
Finally, we received a tip-off from a member of the public which enabled us to position an agent to watch Mr Armstrong in the act. We have a photograph that clearly shows a huge appendage between Mr Armstrong’s legs. There was little doubt that this was enabling this cheat to move much faster than was natural
The USADA is still investigating but claims that Mr Armstrong may have morphed his remaining testicle into an amazing two-wheeled device. Sources have claimed that Mr Armstrong was heard to refer to this device as a ‘bike’.
As a result, the USADA will be redoubling its scrutiny of the Tour de France where it now appears that almost every other competitor might have been seeking this testicular advantage.