An informal coalition of tabloid journalists and copy writers have made a public plea for the shadowy younger Balls brother David Balls to enter the Labour leadership contest in the interests of 'providing us with endless fatuous knob gags for headlines'.
"Right now we have a pair of 'Millibands' entering the running and only one 'Balls'. It’s not only woefully asymmetrical, it is deeply inconsiderate towards tabloid headline writers" claimed Rupert Breslau of the Sun "This nation loves a decent knob-gag, and it is the job of both Her Majesty's Government and the Opposition to point out any of their members that might fit the bill, so to speak. Frankly with only one 'Balls' there are only a limited number of references to Hitler and ‘Nobby Hall’ that we can muster."
David Balls was born in Norwich in 1970 as ‘David Woodstock Hendrix Melanie Tommy-can-you-hear-me Balls’ following a lengthy holiday in the United States by the Balls family. He was subsequently given up for adoption to a childless couple known as ‘Bear’ and ‘Starhawk’, who were at the time living in a tee-pee as members of a ‘self-sufficiency commune’ in Monmouthshire. ‘Starhawk’ was rumoured to have later become a chartered surveyor to support the community after turnip prices crashed with the 3 day week in 1973.
So far, all attempts by the press to contact the elusive younger Balls sibling have failed. “We are offering a substantial reward to anyone who can provide us with a lead” said Alan Banks, copywriter for the Daily Star “Suffice to say, Balls Junior will be immediately offered a safe Labour seat and all the fast-tracking that tabloid money can buy. All that we is ask in return is that, for the sake of political balance, Mr Balls kindly positions himself slightly to the left of his brother.”