Following the implementation of essential legislation to curtail the ability of financial services companies to make money, Britain is planning to show its gratitude with a series of initiatives to assist its EU partners.
Prime Minister David Cameron said today that a number of trade delegations were already being organised by his Liberal Democrat coalition partners, who were thrilled to have the opportunity of wrecking within Europe instead of from the outside.
Project Allegro will seek to impart hard earned expertise to the struggling German car industry, including planned obsolescence and wacky design concepts. ‘German cars are so boring and predictable,’ said a commission member. ‘No wonder they never make any money.
‘We’ll soon have them recycling old BL models with stuck-on vinyl roofs and square steering wheels, and within no time they’ll be selling twice the volume at half the cost. It all goes straight to the bottom line, barring demarcation disputes getting in the way. And if things come unstuck, we’ll show them how to get the Japs in.’
Other plans include teaching the French how to milk EU farm subsidies till the pips squeak and providing tax planning advice to Italians. In another important development, Lady Thatcher will chair a commission to advise on the efficient management of mining, shipbuilding and steel manufacturing industries. Gordon Brown is also being lined up to impart his knowledge of borrow and spend policies to Greece and Portugal.
But the initiatives won’t be all one way. A commission of representatives from all EU countries will be visiting breweries in Britain, Belgium and Bavaria to ensure optimum utilisation of hospitality facilities.