Britain’s thousands of bicycle-sniffers, dubious scout leaders and plain wrong ‘uns were celebrating today, having learnt that they are to be reclassified as political dissidents. The legal move comes after Ecuador’s controversial decision to grant asylum to Julian Assange, the impressively self-important founder of Wikileaks, who has tried to flee two democratic nations in a brave attempt to avoid cooperating with the police over sex offences accusations.
One such dirty old man turned political activist, Mister X (not his real name), said today: ‘I am blatantly a danger to any woman I come across. For years I’ve hidden my true nature in the dark, just as I hide my hands in the trousers with the pockets cut out when I’m sitting on a park bench. But no longer. The next time I’m caught exposing myself in the woods I’ll have a human rights barrister, a pop star or two and a number of minor celebrities who haven’t really thought the implications through standing beside me.’
Mister X then paused to smile unpleasantly at a passing schoolgirl, while a group of cretins in V for Vendetta masks applauded.