The Royal Mail has defended a new policy of embrowning their post boxes, if they happen to be near a family that contains a fat child. With ‘golden post boxes’ inspiring many to strive for athletic success, it’s hoped that a brown box might encourage ‘positive bullying’.
“As a country, we’ve always been good at picking on fat kids”, explained the Post Office’s fitness director Derek Woodstuff, self-styled ‘man of lettuce’. “We want to celebrate that success, and perhaps encourage others to give it a go.”
With fat children now available in most of the UK’s schools, Woodstuff claims that the infrastructure is perfect for building a society that’s more obsessed with body image. “No-one should look a bit different without facing the consequences”, suggested Woodstuff. “Carrying a few extra pounds needs to become as repugnant as paedophilia. Besides, bullying weight off them would give them a chance to run away.”
Woodstuff believes it’s important to raise the profile of obese youngsters in local areas, where they might otherwise go about their lazy lives completely unnoticed. “Why let them draw the curtains and cry their way through another family bag of crisps?”, he pondered. “They won’t bully themselves. Get them out in the open, puff your cheeks out and do a mocking, fatty waddle.”
The success of the campaign has already sparked a string of ‘copycat brown-outs’, with some residents wrongly being targeted for being big-boned. For many, it’s the first time they’ve used the post office to deliver a message. Jeremy Hornchurch was arrested for painting a post box outside his own house, which he shares with three heavy daughters. As he explained, “It seemed less confrontational than buying them salad.”
Campaigners believe that with the right support from the media, Britain can ‘keep the flame burning’ indefinitely. “The world would be a better place if we all weighed the same”, insisted Woodstuff. “The Olympics were great for showing fat kids just how repellent they are. The torch is the perfect symbol for our ‘brown box’ campaign. As long as it’s accompanied by a couple of pitch forks.”