Human dressage is set to become a new Olympic event from Rio 2016. Typical dressage involves a posh person sitting very still on a horse as the thoroughly trained thoroughbred performs a series of bizarre manoeuvres including zig-zagging, 'trotting with ribbons' and standing perfectly still, for which the jockey claims credit.
Unlike the wild baying crowd of the more bullish, less horsey shot-put event, spectators are carefully vetted for one's ability to clap and exhort in a sophisticated manner and one's knowledge of when to acknowledge a delightful ‘transition’, the period in which the nice horsey decides to do something a little different. Dressage with music is identical, but with accompanying music that is carefully edited to match the horse's routine to make it look like it appreciates Elgar.
Human dressage with music devolved from early dance, banning flair and wanton flesh-showery, instead imposing strict ridiculousness parameters. Although supporters strenuously deny the sport originated from a failure to not dance like a twat, the music was quickly removed as competitors struggled to keep in time with the beat.
Thus, modern human dressage was born, thriving at Country Manors and Public Schools. Eton, which teaches a piaffe proper on day one, is famous for the quality of its students' 'passage' and the reverse equivalent, the 'back passage'. Stephen Fry is regularly complimented on his.
Those destined to become politicians generally excel at the piaffe (moving elaborately, but not actually going anywhere), but fall down at the pirouette, which they tend to finish facing the direction opposite to that which they started.
Indeed, Boris Johnson has been widely tipped to make team GB for 2016, and has been encouraged to train in Brazil to acclimatise. Johnson is quoted as saying, 'We invented this magnificent sport in our colleges and mansions! We can't expect a medal from any old wiff-waff - we need a candidate of distinction. London, I am that horse!"