In a desperate bid to wrestle a few popularity points from bitter rivals Boris Johnson and Ed Milliband, Prime Minister David Cameron has revealed his next Cabinet reshuffle will involve replacing the entire current Cabinet with Team GB’s gold medal-winners for a six month period with Seb Coe as stand-in PM.
“Look, can I first of all say this has absolutely nothing to do with trying to increase my personal popularity rating. It’s about time the UK Government was filled with world-beating high-achievers and I can think of no better people than those who can run, row, ride a bike fast and sit on a horse as it jumps a fence. I want the UK to be run by people who are there on merit.”
Asked why he doesn’t apply this principal to the House of Lords, he said: “If I may say so, that is a very silly question and deserves a very silly answer – people in the House of Lords are all there on merit because they have inherited their position in exactly the same way as we allow citizens to inherit parents’ assets, after a small tax and assuming all assets have not been used up in care home costs.”
Someone who lives in a council house said: “what the f**k are you on abaht, get off my land. I don’t f**k my kids and there are no bodies in the patio, basement, walls or loft. That smell is the cat’s piss and the dead rat in the attic I haven’t got round to removing yet.”