Britain’s best loved member of the upper middle class ‘Mockney’ clan Guy Ritchie delighted the media and public with his plans for the 2012 Olympic closing ceremony.
‘I can assure everyone that my little spectacular is going to be the ‘dog’s trustfunds’ if you know what I’m saying.’ quipped Ritchie, addressing the media. ‘And yes there will be lots of noses being broken and witty fuckin’ riposts to dumb arsed questions.’
‘Best of all, there won’t be any of that Kabala numerology cobblers either’ he added to cheers from the assembled reporters.
Ritchie, 43, was commissioned to stage the closing Olympic ceremony by LOCOG after it became clear Danny Boyle’s opening spectacular was to feature little of the mindless brutality for which London’s East End has long been renowned.
The celebrated director first found worldwide fame documenting the humorously amoral antics of the Mockney clan, through such docu-dramas as Snatch and Swept Away.
The precise nature of the closing ceremony has remained a closely guarded secret, thanks to a series of barely comprehensible mockney-rhyming threats issued by Mr Ritchie to the 60,000 strong audience at the dress rehearsal. However it is widely thought that the centrepiece features a tightly choreographed retelling of Reggie Kray’s brutal murder of Jack ‘The Hat’ McVitie. At the climax, Kray is vanquished by a legion of Dick Van Dyke’s, who float to earth wielding poison-tipped chimney brushes.
Tickets are still available for the ceremony, priced between £200 - £2,500, with a 10% booking fee and 25% protection surcharge.