Writers of spoof news stories, who have been starved of easy targets during Team GB's exceptional performance at the London Olympics, have expressed their relief that at least the footballers did something hilariously shit by exiting the tournament on penalties in the quarter finals, just like every England team at World Cups and the Euros since some time back in the Bronze Age.
'We were staring disaster in the face,' admitted 'Waylandsmithy'. 'Not only were British cyclists, rowers and athletes exceeding expectations by winning a ton of medals, they were also proving themselves articulate, modest and a prime example of everything good about modern, multicultural Britain. They even managed to shut the Daily Mail up. Thank God someone gave us something to take the piss out of.'
While Jessica Ennis, Greg Rutherford and Mo Farah were wining gold in the space of an hour at the Olympic Stadium, the GB football team captained by serial shagger Ryan Giggs was bumbling its way to a deliriously awful draw with South Korea to set up the inevitable denouement. To make things even better for cynics, the decisive miss came from the ludicrously overpaid, squirrel-brained Chelsea benchwarmer Daniel Sturridge, who then stalked off like a petulant toddler who had just been refused another ice cream.
Satire analysts agreed that the combination of predictability, schadenfreude and disgust inherent in Team GB's exit could tide the country over for just long enough until Parliament reassembles in September. Had the current tide of euphoria over Olympic success continued unabated for a few more weeks, the consequences for satirical news websites might have been disastrous.
'I was seriously considering hanging up my pen,' added 'Oxbridge'. 'When you see 80,000 people applauding a Saudi woman for just competing at all, when Yorkshire has won more golds than Australia, what is there to sneer about? I was even working on a sub about Andy Murray turning from Scottish to British now he has won a gold medal, but I imagine that's probably been done before.'