Visitors to the London Olympics have been shedding the pounds with a brand new diet – the Hoskins.
Named after Hollywood legend and star of Super Mario Bros., Robert William ‘Bob’ Hoskins Jr, the diet consists chiefly of bizarrely prepared seafood, meat, pastry, gravy and potatoes, all served with a generous helping of the salt of the earth.
It is rumoured that a number of stars, including Jennifer Aniston and Lady Gaga, are now starting the diet following US reports of Olympic tourists being hospitalised following dramatic weight loss.
Talking about the diet, Logan Hogan, a Canadian fan of the Equestrian disciplines, said: “The results you can achieve with the Hoskins diet speak for themselves, with a non-rhotic flourish. After only a week, I’ve lost over half a stone and my hair has never looked thinner! The weight just falls out of you, from both ends, so it couldn’t be simpler. The only thing you’ll keep down is your weight.”
East End food retailers are said to be delighted at the growing interest in the Hoskins Diet, after a long and steady decline in trade in recent years.
Pieman Simon Ryman commented: “We’ve been scraping a living from TV crews filming rose-tinted news reports about the decline of the industry on slow news days, but that only buys you so many pearls. If they can keep the bleeding under control and the Hoskins goes global, we’ll be up to our mincers in bees, laughing all the way to the J. Arthur.”