The Jamaican Olympic team is leading the Medal Table as the Shagging Events get under way in the Olympic Village. The Jamaicans have already scored success in most disciplines including the sprints, men’s and women’s pairs and relays. They are also favourites in Sunday’s upcoming marathon.
The world’s powerhouse Shagging teams round out the top of the leader-board with Swedish Women in second, Latina Milfs in third and Asian Sensations sitting in fourth.
As expected the African nations are dominating the endurance events with the Italians scoring well in the style events.
The Shagging Olympics got underway with a spectacular opening ceremony involving hundreds of dancing nurses and schoolgirls and finished with the lighting of the giant Olympic Scented Candle by Russell Brand. Artistic Director Les Matthews said he was trying to show the world Britain had ‘some cracking pieces of skirt.’
While the public has complained bitterly about VIPS getting all the best tickets it’s hoped this year’s Shagging Olympics will be a lot cleaner than past years since officials clamped down on performance enhancing drugs such as Viagra, Cocaine and in the case of British and Eastern European men – alcohol.
As usual the Shagging Olympics haven’t been without their share of controversy.
It’s thought the Saudi Women’s team are being severely hampered by their burqas although insiders who’ve seen the Saudi Women’s Shot-Put team say the full length clothing and veil could actually be working to their advantage. The Iranian Men’s team are dominating the Hypocritical Sexist Pigs events while their entire Women’s team has withdrawn due to stoning and the entire Russian Women’s team has been banned after it was revealed they were smuggled into the Village in the back of a two-tonne truck registered to the Albanian Mafia.
Meanwhile Tom Daley has been banned from competing by his Mum, an Algerian was kicked out for not trying hard enough and a Trinidadian sprinter has been sent home in disgrace after being caught sneaking out of the village to be with his wife. Trinidadian team officials were said to be ‘deeply embarrassed’ by his actions and have vowed he will never shag for Trinidad again.
Unsurprisingly the female Byelorussian weightlifting team is anchored near the bottom of the table with just one Bronze in the ‘I Was Completely Shit-Faced’ event. They are however just above the last-placed Australian team who have just one solitary ‘pity shag’ to show for their efforts so far.