The London 2012 Olympic Games are set to carry on continuously until such time as Team GB stops winning everything.
The Government said polls show 79% of Britons are clinically addicted to Olympo-mania, are totally tripping out on the ‘high’ of vicarious sporting victories and will have to be weaned off gradually. Health experts say that without at least two Team GB gold medals a day citizens could quickly become miserable cunts or even turn violent.
Top GB athletes have been briefed and are ready to do their bit for the nation. Bradley Wiggins will be time–trialing daily, Jess Ennis has signed up to do a one million event Giga-tathlon and Mo Farah will be running the 10,000 metres on a continuous loop.
The plan is for Team GB to gradually drop a gold medal here and there without anyone really noticing while at the same time drip-feed in some Australian victories until everything gets back to normal.
With every gold medal addicts experience a rush of euphoria followed by a misplaced sense of invincibility. Victims are hugging complete strangers and talking incomprehensible sporting babble near office water coolers.
Some fingers are being pointed at Danny Boyle for hooking millions of unsuspecting viewers with huge doses of pure olympo-mania with his feelgood opening ceremony. After the subsequent first gold medal the nation has gone collectively mad. Thousands have inexplicably parted with good money to watch absurdities such as handball, synchronised swimming and the omnium, East Enders have been heard discussing dressage and volleyball while Clare Balding is being praised as a national treasure.
The government fear scenes that would make last years riots look like a Bullingdon Club morning tea if the Olympics finish straight after the closing ceremony – which has duly been cancelled and replaced by a special 10 day long Olympic Stadium Last Night of the Proms.